I've heard that becoming a mother can be a lonesome thing, but I thought since I'm an introvert who enjoys solitude, it wouldn't feel that way for me. Wrong. Perhaps it's harder, because my instinct is to nest and stay to myself, but it's not helpful for me as I continue to deal with postpartum depression/anxiety.
Speaking of...so our little guy is now 4 months old, and things with him have been going super well. He's gaining weight, exclusively consuming breast milk, and no major illnesses or issues. But my postpartum anxiety is rearing its ugly head and after getting my period again for the first time since pregnancy and childbirth the yucky feelings from immediately after postpartum resurfaced. The anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, inability to just deal...I'm on a pretty low dosage of anti-anxiety medication, and the psychiatrist had told me I most likely would have to increase in the future, though I was reluctant to do so (there is still so much stigma related to psychiatric care) but after feeling those old simmering impulses come back, it's worth it for me to feel my regular/balanced self. So I upped my meds!
It's not come without issue, though. Hubby is concerned about the affect of it on my body, and breastfeeding (I'm on the medication I'm on because the doctor said there has been tons of research of the medication's effects on pregnancy and breast milk) and because we would like to try for another baby soon. Anyways!
I knew friendships were going to change after giving birth, but it's still a hard thing. I'm grieving my old life and wanting to remain relevant with friends and it's all so fraught with a mixture of happiness and joy (because I'm a mother and I wasn't sure I would ever be experiencing this!) and sadness, and anxiety, and....lots of FOMO. I missed four weddings this past summer, and one of my friends who invited me to her wedding (which I missed) is sorta/kinda mad at me for being MIA. But I don't have time for such pettiness! This new mothering thing is the hardest thing I've ever done, and if someone can't understand that I am not at my phone's beck and call anymore, then they weren't a friend to begin with.
I'm focused on getting outside with the baby more, taking him on walks for both his well being and mine. I hope I start to feel better again, and more myself, and not so stuck in my head and crazy. It's a scary thing, what this mixture of postpartum hormones and life can do to a person.
Thursday, October 10, 2019
Thursday, September 19, 2019
What No One Tells You - Addendum to Part 2
In a post where I go through questions about ab separation, stretch marks and post pregnancy incontinence, I said I'd post an update post partum.
So...I got a pretty minor case of diastisis recti (the ab separation I was so fearful of.) My chiropractor has me forgoing all the fun ab exercises at the gym (planks, sit ups) for some focused work on my pelvic floor. Anyways!
In terms of stretch marks, I never got any from pregnancy (I've got my share from puberty thankyouverymuch!) and I'm pretty sure it had to do with this amazing product that I slathered all over the belly, twice daily, from the time I found out I was preggers.
And one more thing: I got tons of fear-based feedback during my pregnancy (from my parents, hubby and misinformed acquaintances) about the fact that I was lifting heavy weights and exercising intensely during my pregnancy. Now that everyone has met our little dude and seen how active (he started rolling over and back at 3 months!) he is, they are all touting the wonders of exercising while pregnant. Here's to listening to your body and tuning out the naysayers, even if they are coming from a place of concern and care. If there is one thing I've learned about motherhood it's this: it fine tunes your ability to listen to yourself and to your instinct.
Lastly, incontinence. Well, I did have my pee muscles refuse to work shortly after I gave birth (two hours of pushing will do that) and now they are a wee bit (still not fully) back to normal. But I'm working on it!
So...I got a pretty minor case of diastisis recti (the ab separation I was so fearful of.) My chiropractor has me forgoing all the fun ab exercises at the gym (planks, sit ups) for some focused work on my pelvic floor. Anyways!
In terms of stretch marks, I never got any from pregnancy (I've got my share from puberty thankyouverymuch!) and I'm pretty sure it had to do with this amazing product that I slathered all over the belly, twice daily, from the time I found out I was preggers.
And one more thing: I got tons of fear-based feedback during my pregnancy (from my parents, hubby and misinformed acquaintances) about the fact that I was lifting heavy weights and exercising intensely during my pregnancy. Now that everyone has met our little dude and seen how active (he started rolling over and back at 3 months!) he is, they are all touting the wonders of exercising while pregnant. Here's to listening to your body and tuning out the naysayers, even if they are coming from a place of concern and care. If there is one thing I've learned about motherhood it's this: it fine tunes your ability to listen to yourself and to your instinct.
Lastly, incontinence. Well, I did have my pee muscles refuse to work shortly after I gave birth (two hours of pushing will do that) and now they are a wee bit (still not fully) back to normal. But I'm working on it!
Three Months...And Counting
I went back to DC! And I'm back to work! And hubby and I bought a car! So much has happened! But most importantly: our little guy turned 3 months old!
It's been an amazing ride, this whole motherhood thing, so much so, that those first two weeks of black hole intensity after he was born, I've kinda sorta forgotten about. And it's strange and enchanting and intriguing how loving this little thing, every day and in every way, can do that to someone.
Going back to DC/home wasn't as difficult as I braced itself to be. In fact, hubby and I have come up with a pretty solid routine in terms of sleep/work and taking care of our little Olan. And I'm so grateful for all of it! We've become a cozy little family and I'm so grateful for everything hubby and I have created between ourselves. We also....wait for it....bought a car! I haven't owned a car in almost 8 years and it feels amazing to have that bit of agency and not have to rely on Uber/rideshare or public transportation when taking Olan around (we did it for the first few months, and it was stressful!)
A few other observations: if you based my life on my social media accounts, you'd have no clue that my life has shifted into another orbit. Nothing about me being pregnant, no pics of our little dude, none of it. Both hubby and I feel strongly that we don't want to post pics of Olan on social media, but lately, for some odd reason, I'd like to. I want to share our bliss with others, would like others to know what it feels like to be a new mother, but honestly, the people who should know, do know. And the rest are acquaintances/not really friends, just on the periphery. So then I realize it's more important for me to protect that bliss and keep it close to myself, and my heart, and share it with those directly in my orbit...
Other thoughts: I've also been grappling with the fact that the past year I've scrubbed many people out of my life: the once-considered best girl friend (I freakin' officiated her wedding), the sister-friend who was one of my closest confidantes, and others who have been on the outskirts, but were once close enough to affect my energy (read: negatively). Letting go of that energy, as Oprah calls it an "energy clearing" has been instrumental in me becoming a mother. Especially an older mother, because if any one of those energy suckers had stayed in my life, it would have affected my pregnancy and my postpartum in a detrimental way (this I'm sure of). So for the same reason I will not be posting pics of our dude on social media, I will continue to keep a wide berth when it comes to energy vampires and the lingering effects of toxic people.
Becoming a mother has been immensely rewarding, cliche but true, and I never imagined the love I could feel for our little dude, and for hubby, too. We've grown closer together as parents, mostly as we marvel at this perfect little being we both created through our love for one another. I grow more and more in love with him each and every day I see him becoming more of an amazing father to our little Olan. I'm grateful that we were blessed enough to have such an amazing pregnancy (no morning sickness, no complications, full term baby, vaginal birth) and now, an awesome baby who continues to grow and amaze us.
So I'll end this post with what I'm grateful for: my anti-anxiety medication, my hubby, my parents, my sister TC and my three crazy monster nieces, my job (the flexibility, the pay, the hours) and our new car, cos it's safe, it's reliable, and it will take our little dude from point A to point B.
Life is great!
It's been an amazing ride, this whole motherhood thing, so much so, that those first two weeks of black hole intensity after he was born, I've kinda sorta forgotten about. And it's strange and enchanting and intriguing how loving this little thing, every day and in every way, can do that to someone.
Going back to DC/home wasn't as difficult as I braced itself to be. In fact, hubby and I have come up with a pretty solid routine in terms of sleep/work and taking care of our little Olan. And I'm so grateful for all of it! We've become a cozy little family and I'm so grateful for everything hubby and I have created between ourselves. We also....wait for it....bought a car! I haven't owned a car in almost 8 years and it feels amazing to have that bit of agency and not have to rely on Uber/rideshare or public transportation when taking Olan around (we did it for the first few months, and it was stressful!)
A few other observations: if you based my life on my social media accounts, you'd have no clue that my life has shifted into another orbit. Nothing about me being pregnant, no pics of our little dude, none of it. Both hubby and I feel strongly that we don't want to post pics of Olan on social media, but lately, for some odd reason, I'd like to. I want to share our bliss with others, would like others to know what it feels like to be a new mother, but honestly, the people who should know, do know. And the rest are acquaintances/not really friends, just on the periphery. So then I realize it's more important for me to protect that bliss and keep it close to myself, and my heart, and share it with those directly in my orbit...
Other thoughts: I've also been grappling with the fact that the past year I've scrubbed many people out of my life: the once-considered best girl friend (I freakin' officiated her wedding), the sister-friend who was one of my closest confidantes, and others who have been on the outskirts, but were once close enough to affect my energy (read: negatively). Letting go of that energy, as Oprah calls it an "energy clearing" has been instrumental in me becoming a mother. Especially an older mother, because if any one of those energy suckers had stayed in my life, it would have affected my pregnancy and my postpartum in a detrimental way (this I'm sure of). So for the same reason I will not be posting pics of our dude on social media, I will continue to keep a wide berth when it comes to energy vampires and the lingering effects of toxic people.
Becoming a mother has been immensely rewarding, cliche but true, and I never imagined the love I could feel for our little dude, and for hubby, too. We've grown closer together as parents, mostly as we marvel at this perfect little being we both created through our love for one another. I grow more and more in love with him each and every day I see him becoming more of an amazing father to our little Olan. I'm grateful that we were blessed enough to have such an amazing pregnancy (no morning sickness, no complications, full term baby, vaginal birth) and now, an awesome baby who continues to grow and amaze us.
So I'll end this post with what I'm grateful for: my anti-anxiety medication, my hubby, my parents, my sister TC and my three crazy monster nieces, my job (the flexibility, the pay, the hours) and our new car, cos it's safe, it's reliable, and it will take our little dude from point A to point B.
Life is great!
Thursday, August 1, 2019
Almost Two Months
Our little boy is named Olan and I'm utterly smitten by him and it indeed feels staggering (as a friend of mine had described over her own baby, who she gave birth to a few weeks before me). Anyways, here is an update regarding motherhood, Olan (my amazing almost 2-month old baby) and my mental health.
I have maternity leave for three months, and boy am I blessed and happy for it. I've been spending most of the post-partum period in NJ, where my parents and sister have been helping me take care of my little guy. This support has been instrumental in me coming back to center, to myself, and for the fear to dissipate. That, and (not going to lie) my mental health medication. I've been on 25 mgs of Zoloft for more than a month now, and it's not only taken the edge off my anxiety and fear, I feel I'm a better person to those who are closest to me - which means the most to me.
I know the medication is doing its job, because today my sister TC and her kids left (after spending most of the summer together, I was dreading this day) and while I'm sad, I'm not losing it or wallowing in the sadness. I'm able to feel the grief (and yes it sucks) but it doesn't feel as all-consuming or overwhelming like it did the week after I gave birth and the hormones made me feel like doom and gloom was descending and never going to leave...
I have less than two weeks remaining here at home before I return to DC and back to hubby and our life together with our baby. I'm hella nervous, but I also know that getting the help I needed right after I gave birth will enable me to go back home and be home in a balanced and sustainable way. I'm excited for my friends to meet the little guy, to get back to the gym and the meditation center and to reconnect with the city that I have called home for over a decade.
I have maternity leave for three months, and boy am I blessed and happy for it. I've been spending most of the post-partum period in NJ, where my parents and sister have been helping me take care of my little guy. This support has been instrumental in me coming back to center, to myself, and for the fear to dissipate. That, and (not going to lie) my mental health medication. I've been on 25 mgs of Zoloft for more than a month now, and it's not only taken the edge off my anxiety and fear, I feel I'm a better person to those who are closest to me - which means the most to me.
I know the medication is doing its job, because today my sister TC and her kids left (after spending most of the summer together, I was dreading this day) and while I'm sad, I'm not losing it or wallowing in the sadness. I'm able to feel the grief (and yes it sucks) but it doesn't feel as all-consuming or overwhelming like it did the week after I gave birth and the hormones made me feel like doom and gloom was descending and never going to leave...
I have less than two weeks remaining here at home before I return to DC and back to hubby and our life together with our baby. I'm hella nervous, but I also know that getting the help I needed right after I gave birth will enable me to go back home and be home in a balanced and sustainable way. I'm excited for my friends to meet the little guy, to get back to the gym and the meditation center and to reconnect with the city that I have called home for over a decade.
Monday, June 17, 2019
What No One Tells You - Part Six (MUST READ!)
My friend warned me. She told me that it was fine to focus on the pregnancy and getting through the delivery, but that taking care of a newborn is an intensity that you cannot be prepared for.
Last week was an amazing week, because AM and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. But somewhere between the sleep deprivation and after birth hormones, I started feeling hella overwhelmed. So overwhelmed, that I started having psychotic thoughts (warning, this is about to get REAL) - thoughts of "accidentally" dropping my baby, smashing my cell phone into his face, what if the hammer accidentally dropped on him? It hurts to write this but I'm writing this to help anyone else who might be reading and going through the same post partum experience. And as I type this, I'm passing some time before AM takes me to the emergency room so I can get some help (read: meds). So here is what happened last week:
I delivered on Monday morning and that was euphoric and amazing, with the vaginal birth I wished for. But then the aftermath was quite bloody and terrifying and exhausting. What I mean by that is, there were a plethora of things that were going on in my body. After pushing for two hours straight, my pee muscles refused to work. Literally when I had the thought that I needed to go to the bathroom, I would pee my pants like a newborn. It scared the shit out of me. I mean, I did Kegels nearly every day during my pregnancy! So that was that, and then, there is the blood that comes out of you. A TON of blood. I was soaking through pads that I situated in adult diapers and seeing that kind of stuff come out of your body (and the pain that goes along with it) is quite scary. And on top of that, there is caring for a newborn. Did you know they need to be fed every two hours? And because I wanted him to be exclusively breast fed, it put the pressure on me to do all his feedings. By the afternoon, my body started shaking uncontrollably and I got a fever, due to the aftershock of delivery. Good times!
Here is something I knew, but when you think about it, seems quite insane: you are supposed to feed a newborn every two hours for the first two weeks of their life. And the feeding schedule goes something like this: say you feed them at 8 a.m., and they feed for one hour, well their next feeding is at 10 a.m. - you base the next feeding on the time you started their last feeding. Well what if that goes on all day? When do you sleep? When do you take care of yourself? All good questions that I have yet to figure out the answers to. And my biggest universal question is this: how do all human infants in this day and age survive when for the first two weeks of life, their parents are required to feed them and take care of them in a way that completely depletes the parents? Back in the day we had wet nurses, we had whole families taking care of a newborn. My mom just told me that when she had my two sisters in Canada, a nurse came to help her for one month. I live in D.C. in a studio apartment with hubby. That's it! Why don't more people talk about how excruciatingly hard this is?
Hubby has been amazing. He's been a rock at my side through it all. Burping, feeding, and taking care of both the baby and myself. But this thing I'm going through, feels so lonely and outside of the scope of anything that he can really understand.
Anywho...I'm a week removed from the birth and the bleeding has slowly gotten better, as well as my control over my pee muscles. But taking care of a newborn is still so hard. I cannot stress how difficult it is, and if I do it again, I will definitely work to pump my boobs and get some formula ready (even though breast feeding proponents stress not to pump your boobs for four weeks, what the heck, dude, how am I supposed to heal and recover if all I'm doing is breast feeding my baby all day??)
So by Saturday, something in me freaked the fuck out. My sister, TC, left, and that led to uncontrollable crying, and the feeling that doom had descended on me. The baby had pooped a ton of times, the apartment was a mess, and he kept on feeding on my boobs for an hour at a time (most sessions last 30 minutes.) I.COULD.NOT.TAKE.IT.ANYMORE The crying picked up again, and try as I might, I couldn't nap. Every time I tried to nap, I just thought of the next feeding session, and how little time there was between one feeding session and the next. And the psychotic thoughts felt like they were getting stronger...I was breastfeeding the baby and at one point I felt that I was going to throw him across the room. (This is so hard to write.)
Thankfully, I had asked my mom to come for a week to help me. I knew I was reaching my breaking point. I was snapping at hubby, and when my parents finally arrived, I was a complete, fucking mess. Crying, hysterical, and I couldn't be calmed down. I felt that all of my compulsive, crazy thoughts, were going to come to pass. I kept my hands behind me, and I begged hubby and my parents to keep the baby away from me. I was on the phone with the midwife on call, who urged me to go to the ER. Of course, I didn't want to do that. They admit you, and keep you for as long as possible in the psych ward, while they figure shit out. I wasn't ready to take that step a few days ago, but today, I am.
I'm hella scared. I've never had mental health issues quite like this. But I could feel myself unravel, and I'm not back to center yet. When my mom arrived, I yelled at her in a way I've never yelled at her before (it makes me cry to just think of that) and my poor dad was trying to make sense of everything that was going on. Hubby took over, I just hugged him and smelled him and that brought me back to life. We ended up going on a walk, and he arranged for me to stay with my friend. I've been there the last two days, but that is not a sustainable solution. I need something more...
We went to see my therapist today, and while she looks for a psychiatrist for me, she encouraged me to head to the ER to get on some meds. I still don't trust myself around my son. I finally breast fed him today after staying away from him since Saturday, but I made sure my mom and hubby were right near my side, watching him. I need to take this final step in order to protect my family and myself.
It's a huge puzzle, this whole post partum thing. I know I'm not alone in this, that so many women go through it. I just wish there was something I could have known or done to prevent this. I'm not on the other side (yet). My therapist wants to see me at the end of the week with hubby so we can come up with a plan of attack (ensuring I get adequate rest, etc.)
I do hope that anyone reading this, who hasn't had a child, finds the help and support they need, sooner rather than later. I hope the medication brings me back to myself, so I can be the best mother to my son, and wife to hubby.
Stay tuned for an update!
Last week was an amazing week, because AM and I gave birth to a healthy baby boy. But somewhere between the sleep deprivation and after birth hormones, I started feeling hella overwhelmed. So overwhelmed, that I started having psychotic thoughts (warning, this is about to get REAL) - thoughts of "accidentally" dropping my baby, smashing my cell phone into his face, what if the hammer accidentally dropped on him? It hurts to write this but I'm writing this to help anyone else who might be reading and going through the same post partum experience. And as I type this, I'm passing some time before AM takes me to the emergency room so I can get some help (read: meds). So here is what happened last week:
I delivered on Monday morning and that was euphoric and amazing, with the vaginal birth I wished for. But then the aftermath was quite bloody and terrifying and exhausting. What I mean by that is, there were a plethora of things that were going on in my body. After pushing for two hours straight, my pee muscles refused to work. Literally when I had the thought that I needed to go to the bathroom, I would pee my pants like a newborn. It scared the shit out of me. I mean, I did Kegels nearly every day during my pregnancy! So that was that, and then, there is the blood that comes out of you. A TON of blood. I was soaking through pads that I situated in adult diapers and seeing that kind of stuff come out of your body (and the pain that goes along with it) is quite scary. And on top of that, there is caring for a newborn. Did you know they need to be fed every two hours? And because I wanted him to be exclusively breast fed, it put the pressure on me to do all his feedings. By the afternoon, my body started shaking uncontrollably and I got a fever, due to the aftershock of delivery. Good times!
Here is something I knew, but when you think about it, seems quite insane: you are supposed to feed a newborn every two hours for the first two weeks of their life. And the feeding schedule goes something like this: say you feed them at 8 a.m., and they feed for one hour, well their next feeding is at 10 a.m. - you base the next feeding on the time you started their last feeding. Well what if that goes on all day? When do you sleep? When do you take care of yourself? All good questions that I have yet to figure out the answers to. And my biggest universal question is this: how do all human infants in this day and age survive when for the first two weeks of life, their parents are required to feed them and take care of them in a way that completely depletes the parents? Back in the day we had wet nurses, we had whole families taking care of a newborn. My mom just told me that when she had my two sisters in Canada, a nurse came to help her for one month. I live in D.C. in a studio apartment with hubby. That's it! Why don't more people talk about how excruciatingly hard this is?
Hubby has been amazing. He's been a rock at my side through it all. Burping, feeding, and taking care of both the baby and myself. But this thing I'm going through, feels so lonely and outside of the scope of anything that he can really understand.
Anywho...I'm a week removed from the birth and the bleeding has slowly gotten better, as well as my control over my pee muscles. But taking care of a newborn is still so hard. I cannot stress how difficult it is, and if I do it again, I will definitely work to pump my boobs and get some formula ready (even though breast feeding proponents stress not to pump your boobs for four weeks, what the heck, dude, how am I supposed to heal and recover if all I'm doing is breast feeding my baby all day??)
So by Saturday, something in me freaked the fuck out. My sister, TC, left, and that led to uncontrollable crying, and the feeling that doom had descended on me. The baby had pooped a ton of times, the apartment was a mess, and he kept on feeding on my boobs for an hour at a time (most sessions last 30 minutes.) I.COULD.NOT.TAKE.IT.ANYMORE The crying picked up again, and try as I might, I couldn't nap. Every time I tried to nap, I just thought of the next feeding session, and how little time there was between one feeding session and the next. And the psychotic thoughts felt like they were getting stronger...I was breastfeeding the baby and at one point I felt that I was going to throw him across the room. (This is so hard to write.)
Thankfully, I had asked my mom to come for a week to help me. I knew I was reaching my breaking point. I was snapping at hubby, and when my parents finally arrived, I was a complete, fucking mess. Crying, hysterical, and I couldn't be calmed down. I felt that all of my compulsive, crazy thoughts, were going to come to pass. I kept my hands behind me, and I begged hubby and my parents to keep the baby away from me. I was on the phone with the midwife on call, who urged me to go to the ER. Of course, I didn't want to do that. They admit you, and keep you for as long as possible in the psych ward, while they figure shit out. I wasn't ready to take that step a few days ago, but today, I am.
I'm hella scared. I've never had mental health issues quite like this. But I could feel myself unravel, and I'm not back to center yet. When my mom arrived, I yelled at her in a way I've never yelled at her before (it makes me cry to just think of that) and my poor dad was trying to make sense of everything that was going on. Hubby took over, I just hugged him and smelled him and that brought me back to life. We ended up going on a walk, and he arranged for me to stay with my friend. I've been there the last two days, but that is not a sustainable solution. I need something more...
We went to see my therapist today, and while she looks for a psychiatrist for me, she encouraged me to head to the ER to get on some meds. I still don't trust myself around my son. I finally breast fed him today after staying away from him since Saturday, but I made sure my mom and hubby were right near my side, watching him. I need to take this final step in order to protect my family and myself.
It's a huge puzzle, this whole post partum thing. I know I'm not alone in this, that so many women go through it. I just wish there was something I could have known or done to prevent this. I'm not on the other side (yet). My therapist wants to see me at the end of the week with hubby so we can come up with a plan of attack (ensuring I get adequate rest, etc.)
I do hope that anyone reading this, who hasn't had a child, finds the help and support they need, sooner rather than later. I hope the medication brings me back to myself, so I can be the best mother to my son, and wife to hubby.
Stay tuned for an update!
Friday, June 14, 2019
39 weeks and...GIVING BIRTH!
It's been a whirlwind since I gave birth to you on Monday (June 10) morning. So much so, that I'm just going to skip week 39 and all it entails because it's pretty irrelevant at the moment. I'm writing down my birth story so you and I will always remember. Here goes:
So my final prenatal appointment was when I was 39 weeks and one day, on Friday, June 7. Nothing seemed to be changing in my body, and it just felt like I was going to be preggers with you forever. In fact, I did my last workout on week 39. The midwives appointment went well, and they were happy that I was full term. They decided they were going to "sweep my membranes" at my 40th week, which was exactly one week later. That means they were going to separate my amniotic sac from my uterus, and hopefully jumpstart the whole birthing process. Well that didn't have to happen because...
I think a part of me knew. After my appointment, I went to Union Station and had a bunch of junk food. It felt like something was changing in my body, although I wasn't sure what. That evening I went home and your dad came home from work like always and we had a great evening watching a movie, etc. The next day I didn't go to the gym like I planned, because the Friday evening before I was feeling all sorts of weird: extremely crampy, things shifting down there, just...out of sorts. I spent most of the evening on my yoga ball trying to relax.
The next day (Saturday) I had a chill day. I didn't go to meditation or do any of my routine Saturday errands (and even cancelled a much needed haircut). I laid low and had a low-key lunch with two friends after letting them know I "felt weird." The weird feeling was knowing there was something impending and "everything changing." I wasn't ready! I mean, I really wanted to meet you, but being pregnant meant I could still live my life like it was my old life, with you safely tucked inside of me. I knew something transformative and overwhelming was about to happen. And little did I know how soon it was all about to change...
So Saturday, June 8 seemed like a typical Saturday night for your dad and I. He got home from work at 6 p.m. and we ate some food, and he prepared me a nice bowl of fruit. We were sitting on the couch watching one of the X-Men movies, when I felt something pop inside of me. I jumped up (he thought I saw a roach 😆) but it was my water breaking. As soon as the pop happened, things started streaming out of me. Sorry for the TMI but that's how it went down. Your dad and I called the midwives immediately, and they told me I had 12 hours to labor at home before I had to go to the hospital. But the first thing we had to do was get a thermometer. That was to ensure I wasn't getting an infection, which was a sign I needed to head to the hospital sooner rather than later. So the next 12 hours was...interesting. I felt contractions every few minutes but it wasn't consistent. By the time the next day rolled around, your dad and I were feeling very calm, and slowly got all our bags together that we had packed a few weeks before.
We went on a nice walk, and ran into a friend and I told her my water broke and we were headed to the hospital. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. We took a Lyft to the hospital while I tried to listen to my hypnosis tracks while your dad gave the driver directions. We got to the hospital, checked in, and sat in a chair for some time while I still listened to the hypnosis tracks since I planned for a natural birth with no epidural.
Ok, so after I was checked in, your dad and I were taken to the room where we would be laboring and delivering you. I wasn't sure about the midwife, named Rebecca, but I was totally sure I couldn't stand my nurse, who was a woman who started to talk for me and then said something to the effect of "in English we say" which made me snap and go "what did you say? I'm American and I speak English." That was a bad moment for me. Up until that point I was calm and in a zen place and that poopy-head nurse made me freak out. Your dad, thankfully, handled it, and went outside and told the midwife what she said, and we were quickly given an alternate nurse. And that's when I really started to like Rebecca! She came in and was so great and said she had to calm down before having the conversation about the nurse situ cos she was so offended on my behalf. The nurse we were assigned was a woman named Breeanna, and she was amazing!!!!!
So...this is when things got intense. I was basically feeling my contractions and some were more painful than others but overall, things were OK. Our doula, named Frankie, showed up a few hours later and she was amazing. She helped me with a warm compress, and every time a contraction came, she helped me by working through it by stretching and breathing and being overall awesome about everything. The midwife, Rebecca, warned me though, that since my water broke, I was at risk of infection, so we had to get this birthing thing going. I was at 2 centimeters dilated (you need to get to 10 cm so I had a ways to go!) She wanted me to go on pitocin, which creates (painful) contractions by mimicking ocytocin. I didn't want to take drugs or meds, so I opted to do something more natural...nipple stimulation.
Don't worry! This is not TMI involving your dad and I haha! I ended up using a breast pump and essentially the act of pumping your breasts for milk gets the oxytocin going. The contractions were feeling more intense, but unfortunately, they weren't strong enough. The midwife said I wasn't dilated enough, even after several rounds of that breast pumping thing. That was hard to deal with, especially because the three contractions I had right after I did my final round of breast pumping were quite difficult. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest level of pain, they were about a 6-7. Ugh. And the problem was: the contractions needed to get longer (at least a minute) and harder, in order for me to be considered being in active labor. At that point I was just killing time.
I had a choice to make: I was in natural labor for about 20 hours before I realized that I needed to take piticon in order for you to come out vaginally, and for there to be less complications. And the thing about piticon: the contractions SUCK. I had gotten to the point where some of the contractions were really making me go out of my mind, and I knew one cold hard truth: the contractions HAD to get harder in order for my labor to progress. So I opted for an epidural. It was administered at around 5 p.m.
In the moment it seemed I made the decision rashly, but I don't think so. I had been researching childbirth and delivering and natural childbirth for the entire time I was pregnant with you, so I knew the reality about pitocin. The fact that the midwives kept on mentioning it to me as a necessary and not an option, made me realize how dire the situation was. And I was determined to have you vaginally (not via C-section) so I think that was the basis for my decision (some of this is still a blur). Some part of me feels bad for not having the natural childbirth I desired, but you came out perfectly, and more on that later...
So your aunt, TC, was on her way from California for your birth. My water broke on Saturday night when she was right about to board the plane to NJ. She boarded the plane, took a five hour nap, then drove down just in time for the real action to begin. The epidural started working within 10 minutes and then the piticon was administered. I ended up sleeping (the best sleep of my life it seems!) for hours while the piticon did its thing. The last vaginal exam they did, I was dilated 2 centimeters, and it was important for me to get to 10 centimeters. They (the midwives) then started talking about putting a foley catheter inside me, which is some type of something that is supposed to help the cervix thin out. Your dad and I decided against it, and so again, we waited a few hours while the piticon did its work.
The midwives again came back and said the situation was dire, with my water having broken for hours and the contractions and active labor not even started. So your dad and I agreed to the foley catheter. But then they did an exam and I was 6 centimeters dilated!!!!! That meant I didn't need the foley catheter!
Anyways...things picked up by then. I had been in active labor for hours and at around 3:30 a.m. my cervix was fully dilated and I was ready to push you out! There was my team assembled: your dad, your aunt, the midwife, nurse, and our doula. The doula was really integral to this whole thing. It was all quite amazing now that I think about it!
So for two hours, every time a contraction came, I was told to do a crunch and then push really hard for 10 seconds, 4 sets. This happened for a long time and I was tired and kinda ready to call it in. Then they brought me a mirror, because your head was emerging! And it gave me all I needed to keep pushing. It was kinda funny because it was around the time I go to the gym that you were finally pushed out of me.
So...for the action part! Everyone was cheering me on, your dad was holding one leg, your aunt was holding the other leg and in the mirror I could slowly see your head emerge. And then, at 5:34 a.m., it happened! I pushed you through me! After pushing for 2 hours, you seemed to arrive in a span of minutes. The umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck, so the midwives dealt with that, and then all of the sudden, you were placed on my chest. It was surreal to finally feel you and touch you. I also saw your dad's face and he was crying and it was so beautiful.
Anyways, I'm late to feeding you, so I've got to wrap things up. You are now 5 days old and it feels hella overwhelming (feeding you every 2 hours, being sleep deprived, having all of the hormones course through me) but every day, your dad and I fall more and more in love with you.
So my final prenatal appointment was when I was 39 weeks and one day, on Friday, June 7. Nothing seemed to be changing in my body, and it just felt like I was going to be preggers with you forever. In fact, I did my last workout on week 39. The midwives appointment went well, and they were happy that I was full term. They decided they were going to "sweep my membranes" at my 40th week, which was exactly one week later. That means they were going to separate my amniotic sac from my uterus, and hopefully jumpstart the whole birthing process. Well that didn't have to happen because...
I think a part of me knew. After my appointment, I went to Union Station and had a bunch of junk food. It felt like something was changing in my body, although I wasn't sure what. That evening I went home and your dad came home from work like always and we had a great evening watching a movie, etc. The next day I didn't go to the gym like I planned, because the Friday evening before I was feeling all sorts of weird: extremely crampy, things shifting down there, just...out of sorts. I spent most of the evening on my yoga ball trying to relax.
The next day (Saturday) I had a chill day. I didn't go to meditation or do any of my routine Saturday errands (and even cancelled a much needed haircut). I laid low and had a low-key lunch with two friends after letting them know I "felt weird." The weird feeling was knowing there was something impending and "everything changing." I wasn't ready! I mean, I really wanted to meet you, but being pregnant meant I could still live my life like it was my old life, with you safely tucked inside of me. I knew something transformative and overwhelming was about to happen. And little did I know how soon it was all about to change...
So Saturday, June 8 seemed like a typical Saturday night for your dad and I. He got home from work at 6 p.m. and we ate some food, and he prepared me a nice bowl of fruit. We were sitting on the couch watching one of the X-Men movies, when I felt something pop inside of me. I jumped up (he thought I saw a roach 😆) but it was my water breaking. As soon as the pop happened, things started streaming out of me. Sorry for the TMI but that's how it went down. Your dad and I called the midwives immediately, and they told me I had 12 hours to labor at home before I had to go to the hospital. But the first thing we had to do was get a thermometer. That was to ensure I wasn't getting an infection, which was a sign I needed to head to the hospital sooner rather than later. So the next 12 hours was...interesting. I felt contractions every few minutes but it wasn't consistent. By the time the next day rolled around, your dad and I were feeling very calm, and slowly got all our bags together that we had packed a few weeks before.
We went on a nice walk, and ran into a friend and I told her my water broke and we were headed to the hospital. It was a beautiful Sunday morning. We took a Lyft to the hospital while I tried to listen to my hypnosis tracks while your dad gave the driver directions. We got to the hospital, checked in, and sat in a chair for some time while I still listened to the hypnosis tracks since I planned for a natural birth with no epidural.
Ok, so after I was checked in, your dad and I were taken to the room where we would be laboring and delivering you. I wasn't sure about the midwife, named Rebecca, but I was totally sure I couldn't stand my nurse, who was a woman who started to talk for me and then said something to the effect of "in English we say" which made me snap and go "what did you say? I'm American and I speak English." That was a bad moment for me. Up until that point I was calm and in a zen place and that poopy-head nurse made me freak out. Your dad, thankfully, handled it, and went outside and told the midwife what she said, and we were quickly given an alternate nurse. And that's when I really started to like Rebecca! She came in and was so great and said she had to calm down before having the conversation about the nurse situ cos she was so offended on my behalf. The nurse we were assigned was a woman named Breeanna, and she was amazing!!!!!
So...this is when things got intense. I was basically feeling my contractions and some were more painful than others but overall, things were OK. Our doula, named Frankie, showed up a few hours later and she was amazing. She helped me with a warm compress, and every time a contraction came, she helped me by working through it by stretching and breathing and being overall awesome about everything. The midwife, Rebecca, warned me though, that since my water broke, I was at risk of infection, so we had to get this birthing thing going. I was at 2 centimeters dilated (you need to get to 10 cm so I had a ways to go!) She wanted me to go on pitocin, which creates (painful) contractions by mimicking ocytocin. I didn't want to take drugs or meds, so I opted to do something more natural...nipple stimulation.
Don't worry! This is not TMI involving your dad and I haha! I ended up using a breast pump and essentially the act of pumping your breasts for milk gets the oxytocin going. The contractions were feeling more intense, but unfortunately, they weren't strong enough. The midwife said I wasn't dilated enough, even after several rounds of that breast pumping thing. That was hard to deal with, especially because the three contractions I had right after I did my final round of breast pumping were quite difficult. On a scale of 1-10, 10 being the highest level of pain, they were about a 6-7. Ugh. And the problem was: the contractions needed to get longer (at least a minute) and harder, in order for me to be considered being in active labor. At that point I was just killing time.
I had a choice to make: I was in natural labor for about 20 hours before I realized that I needed to take piticon in order for you to come out vaginally, and for there to be less complications. And the thing about piticon: the contractions SUCK. I had gotten to the point where some of the contractions were really making me go out of my mind, and I knew one cold hard truth: the contractions HAD to get harder in order for my labor to progress. So I opted for an epidural. It was administered at around 5 p.m.
In the moment it seemed I made the decision rashly, but I don't think so. I had been researching childbirth and delivering and natural childbirth for the entire time I was pregnant with you, so I knew the reality about pitocin. The fact that the midwives kept on mentioning it to me as a necessary and not an option, made me realize how dire the situation was. And I was determined to have you vaginally (not via C-section) so I think that was the basis for my decision (some of this is still a blur). Some part of me feels bad for not having the natural childbirth I desired, but you came out perfectly, and more on that later...
So your aunt, TC, was on her way from California for your birth. My water broke on Saturday night when she was right about to board the plane to NJ. She boarded the plane, took a five hour nap, then drove down just in time for the real action to begin. The epidural started working within 10 minutes and then the piticon was administered. I ended up sleeping (the best sleep of my life it seems!) for hours while the piticon did its thing. The last vaginal exam they did, I was dilated 2 centimeters, and it was important for me to get to 10 centimeters. They (the midwives) then started talking about putting a foley catheter inside me, which is some type of something that is supposed to help the cervix thin out. Your dad and I decided against it, and so again, we waited a few hours while the piticon did its work.
The midwives again came back and said the situation was dire, with my water having broken for hours and the contractions and active labor not even started. So your dad and I agreed to the foley catheter. But then they did an exam and I was 6 centimeters dilated!!!!! That meant I didn't need the foley catheter!
Anyways...things picked up by then. I had been in active labor for hours and at around 3:30 a.m. my cervix was fully dilated and I was ready to push you out! There was my team assembled: your dad, your aunt, the midwife, nurse, and our doula. The doula was really integral to this whole thing. It was all quite amazing now that I think about it!
So for two hours, every time a contraction came, I was told to do a crunch and then push really hard for 10 seconds, 4 sets. This happened for a long time and I was tired and kinda ready to call it in. Then they brought me a mirror, because your head was emerging! And it gave me all I needed to keep pushing. It was kinda funny because it was around the time I go to the gym that you were finally pushed out of me.
So...for the action part! Everyone was cheering me on, your dad was holding one leg, your aunt was holding the other leg and in the mirror I could slowly see your head emerge. And then, at 5:34 a.m., it happened! I pushed you through me! After pushing for 2 hours, you seemed to arrive in a span of minutes. The umbilical cord was wrapped around your neck, so the midwives dealt with that, and then all of the sudden, you were placed on my chest. It was surreal to finally feel you and touch you. I also saw your dad's face and he was crying and it was so beautiful.
Anyways, I'm late to feeding you, so I've got to wrap things up. You are now 5 days old and it feels hella overwhelming (feeding you every 2 hours, being sleep deprived, having all of the hormones course through me) but every day, your dad and I fall more and more in love with you.
Monday, June 3, 2019
What No One Tells You - Part Five
So, for this installment of "What No One Tells You" (maybe the last of these?) I wanna talk about the big ole question mark at the end of the road of pregnancy. Unless you have a scheduled c-section, or induction date, there really is no way of knowing when your baby is going to make an appearance - at least that's where I'm at in this point of pregnancy (nearly 39 weeks in.) There is a lot of talk around me about induction. You know, getting the baby to come out instead of just playing the waiting game. I haven't had that conversation yet, but I hear it around me pertaining to other mamas. So it got me to thinking...
I'm not sure if it's because I'm working with midwives and doulas that this conversation hasn't been had (yet) but since I'm close to my due date, there has been a lot of "so, what's going on?" types of questions going on. Basically the question is: so when is your baby coming? And you know what: I know just as much as you do!
The baby has dropped, his head is down, and sometimes he's in prime position for birthing, with his head facing my spine (the other way is horrendous back labor, I heard) but other than that, I don't know much more. I meet with my midwives at the end of this week (which will be exactly one week from my due date) and since I'm considered high-risk cos of my age, they might be talking about induction...or not. Who knows?
I'm basically just continuing to do what I've done before: walking a lot, working out 4 days a week, going to my chiropractor, doing my pregnancy hypnosis homework, cleaning and organizing the apartment, and keeping baby daddy apprised of all things.
So....yeah...it's the home stretch and I really thought at this point I would know better when little man was going to make his arrival. But I really don't and it's funny/scary/ironic/weird/unnerving all at the same time!
Any guesses on his birth day?
I'm not sure if it's because I'm working with midwives and doulas that this conversation hasn't been had (yet) but since I'm close to my due date, there has been a lot of "so, what's going on?" types of questions going on. Basically the question is: so when is your baby coming? And you know what: I know just as much as you do!
The baby has dropped, his head is down, and sometimes he's in prime position for birthing, with his head facing my spine (the other way is horrendous back labor, I heard) but other than that, I don't know much more. I meet with my midwives at the end of this week (which will be exactly one week from my due date) and since I'm considered high-risk cos of my age, they might be talking about induction...or not. Who knows?
I'm basically just continuing to do what I've done before: walking a lot, working out 4 days a week, going to my chiropractor, doing my pregnancy hypnosis homework, cleaning and organizing the apartment, and keeping baby daddy apprised of all things.
So....yeah...it's the home stretch and I really thought at this point I would know better when little man was going to make his arrival. But I really don't and it's funny/scary/ironic/weird/unnerving all at the same time!
Any guesses on his birth day?
38 weeks+4 days
Wawaweewa!!!!! Crazy that my due date is less than 10 days away! I keep trying to stifle the anxiety and fear by focusing on the fact that I'm going to meet you soon!!!!
Things are continuing to feel good, with the pelvic/pubic pain a constant (as it has been the last few months, they say the pain will go away after I give birth) and some sciatica issues flaring up, but not that bad, really. Dare I say, it's been a bit of a dream being pregnant with you. Your dad and I joke that you're such a good boy and that you will be a breeze when you come out, too. Hehe.
Well...I've heard from so many people that we should relish the ability to sleep a full night because when you are born...not so much. It's just hard to do at this point. Some nights are better than others. I'd like to do what I can do prevent postpartum depression, and have heard the best thing to do is to sleep when the baby sleeps. Thankfully I'm a good napper, and I'll be post-partuming as much as possible in NJ with your nanni. And I hope that will help!
Anyways! Your dad and I are doing more of the same: getting our place ready for you, me reading up on what I can about delivering you and also how to take care of you when you are here (eek!) but also getting as much possible as I can at work done before my 3-month leave. My last day at work will be next Tuesday - which is just crazy. But thankfully I'm in a really good place at work, and have gotten through much of my to-do list.
Here's to week 39!
Things are continuing to feel good, with the pelvic/pubic pain a constant (as it has been the last few months, they say the pain will go away after I give birth) and some sciatica issues flaring up, but not that bad, really. Dare I say, it's been a bit of a dream being pregnant with you. Your dad and I joke that you're such a good boy and that you will be a breeze when you come out, too. Hehe.
Well...I've heard from so many people that we should relish the ability to sleep a full night because when you are born...not so much. It's just hard to do at this point. Some nights are better than others. I'd like to do what I can do prevent postpartum depression, and have heard the best thing to do is to sleep when the baby sleeps. Thankfully I'm a good napper, and I'll be post-partuming as much as possible in NJ with your nanni. And I hope that will help!
Anyways! Your dad and I are doing more of the same: getting our place ready for you, me reading up on what I can about delivering you and also how to take care of you when you are here (eek!) but also getting as much possible as I can at work done before my 3-month leave. My last day at work will be next Tuesday - which is just crazy. But thankfully I'm in a really good place at work, and have gotten through much of my to-do list.
Here's to week 39!
Monday, May 27, 2019
37 weeks+4 days
So it's pretty close!!!! It's unbelievable that we will be entering two weeks until your due date in just a few days. I've been talking to you and asking that you stay in until 40 weeks, and I'm hoping you will! The midwife said 38 1/2 weeks is optimal - and we are nearly there! I also really really really want to get my work stuff in a good place, cos they've been so great to me, and giving me three months of paid maternity leave!!!
Back to you: you're the size of romaine lettuce/canary melon (wth is that?)/honeydew melon. You're basically just chilling inside there and gaining weight until the big day. I'm working with a midwife and a doula, and for the last 4 weeks of the pregnancy I'm supposed to be cutting out sugar and refined stuff (that was hard at first but I'm doing it), eating fresh and healthy foods, and drinking red raspberry leaf tea and taking evening primrose oil to get my cervix nice and ready. I'm also doing my prenatal exercises (cat cows and pelvic stretches) and continuing with my hypnosis pregnancy practices every day. I especially like the joyful affirmations which has this one great line: "people's negative feelings belong only to them."
I've shared my birth plan with a few people, though I'm hesitant, and several have expressed some type of concern. Which is why I'm kinda not anymore. Anyways...
About negative people: one of the things I did last year, was completely scrub my life of negative people. Unfortunately that includes some family members, but with that release, it's given me the space to truly appreciate and bring in more amazing people into my life. I've also become sensitive to this type of energy when befriending new people, which is what I'm about to get into.
A work colleague started a few months back, and we hit it off. I was super excited to have another friend to do things with, etc. She also joined my meditation studio, so that was a plus. I've pretty much only gotten good vibes from her, except for one evening. After a meditation class, we decided to grab food. She's got a food restriction and in her defense, the restaurant didn't handle it well. (Telling her the meal she wanted wasn't allergy free, when it really was, the manager of the restaurant coming over, etc. etc.) But the way she handled it, took over the evening in the worst way possible. And then she got snippy with all the restaurant staff and...it put a damper on the entire meal and she even got strange with me.
It devastates me kinda, when a new friend shows a side of themselves that is so unpleasant that you've really got to do something about it. It wasn't just her behavior with the restaurant staff, but some unsolicited advice she gave me, that reminded me of a certain someone who is no longer in my life. Very preachy and self-righteous and "let me tell" you - when I didn't ask you! So I've given myself a lot of distance from this person, and I'm really proud of myself!
If there is anything I want to teach you, it is that it's OK to make the decision to be alone, because not everyone is able to be your friend, in the way you would like or deserve. It's just the way life is! And I hope you learn that lesson sooner rather than later.
OK, onto the good stuff: your dad and I have made such amazing changes to our place! New couch, new dresser, shelving unit...and! and! We cleared out/cleaned/organized/arranged both the walk-in closet, as well as the huge closet full of junk at the front of the space. We even got a bassinet for you today where you'll be sleeping for the first few months. The bassinet retails for close to $200 and we got it secondhand from a really nice lady for $65!
We had a lot of work to do to get this space to be what it is right now, and both your dad and I are so thrilled with all of the changes we made. We've got a bit more than 2 weeks before your due date, and I'm hoping you stay inside until at least June 12 (my first day of maternity leave) but I've also got to come to terms with whenever you may come - would could be any day now. I finally packed some bags for the hospital - so we are ready! And this Tuesday we meet with our doula so I'm thrilled about that as well.
Anywho...onward to week 38!
Back to you: you're the size of romaine lettuce/canary melon (wth is that?)/honeydew melon. You're basically just chilling inside there and gaining weight until the big day. I'm working with a midwife and a doula, and for the last 4 weeks of the pregnancy I'm supposed to be cutting out sugar and refined stuff (that was hard at first but I'm doing it), eating fresh and healthy foods, and drinking red raspberry leaf tea and taking evening primrose oil to get my cervix nice and ready. I'm also doing my prenatal exercises (cat cows and pelvic stretches) and continuing with my hypnosis pregnancy practices every day. I especially like the joyful affirmations which has this one great line: "people's negative feelings belong only to them."
I've shared my birth plan with a few people, though I'm hesitant, and several have expressed some type of concern. Which is why I'm kinda not anymore. Anyways...
About negative people: one of the things I did last year, was completely scrub my life of negative people. Unfortunately that includes some family members, but with that release, it's given me the space to truly appreciate and bring in more amazing people into my life. I've also become sensitive to this type of energy when befriending new people, which is what I'm about to get into.
A work colleague started a few months back, and we hit it off. I was super excited to have another friend to do things with, etc. She also joined my meditation studio, so that was a plus. I've pretty much only gotten good vibes from her, except for one evening. After a meditation class, we decided to grab food. She's got a food restriction and in her defense, the restaurant didn't handle it well. (Telling her the meal she wanted wasn't allergy free, when it really was, the manager of the restaurant coming over, etc. etc.) But the way she handled it, took over the evening in the worst way possible. And then she got snippy with all the restaurant staff and...it put a damper on the entire meal and she even got strange with me.
It devastates me kinda, when a new friend shows a side of themselves that is so unpleasant that you've really got to do something about it. It wasn't just her behavior with the restaurant staff, but some unsolicited advice she gave me, that reminded me of a certain someone who is no longer in my life. Very preachy and self-righteous and "let me tell" you - when I didn't ask you! So I've given myself a lot of distance from this person, and I'm really proud of myself!
If there is anything I want to teach you, it is that it's OK to make the decision to be alone, because not everyone is able to be your friend, in the way you would like or deserve. It's just the way life is! And I hope you learn that lesson sooner rather than later.
OK, onto the good stuff: your dad and I have made such amazing changes to our place! New couch, new dresser, shelving unit...and! and! We cleared out/cleaned/organized/arranged both the walk-in closet, as well as the huge closet full of junk at the front of the space. We even got a bassinet for you today where you'll be sleeping for the first few months. The bassinet retails for close to $200 and we got it secondhand from a really nice lady for $65!
We had a lot of work to do to get this space to be what it is right now, and both your dad and I are so thrilled with all of the changes we made. We've got a bit more than 2 weeks before your due date, and I'm hoping you stay inside until at least June 12 (my first day of maternity leave) but I've also got to come to terms with whenever you may come - would could be any day now. I finally packed some bags for the hospital - so we are ready! And this Tuesday we meet with our doula so I'm thrilled about that as well.
Anywho...onward to week 38!
Friday, May 17, 2019
36 weeks
I'm getting sick of the fruit and veggie sizes, so I'll just let you know that you are about 5-6 lbs already, and hopefully will pack on about 2 lbs before your delivery. That is, if you stay in there for 40 weeks! (I really hope you do.)
I have another sinus infection or cold again. And I'm feeling very cranky about it. The last one I had, stuck around for two whole weeks! Pregnancy really does a number on your immune system, cos, you know, your body is focused on other things.
This week I spoke to the midwife about my birth plan and even handed her a paper copy. She was fine (didn't seem the warmest, but she is not one of the midwives who will be attending to the birth, so whatever) and said things are looking good. I also had my weekly NST and chiropractor appointment, and those went well too...
Your dad and I are continuing to get things ready for you, and the biggest challenge we are going to face, is opening up that large closet and pulling everything out. I really need you to stay in because of this! I know that sounds ludicrous, but we really need to get everything sorted in the apartment before you come. Please!!
Your nanni and nanna and Auntie Shirin are coming tomorrow to drop off several of your things. Your car seat, and bath tub, and some other things. It's getting real!!!!
My body still feels, for the most part, good. But I've been waddling for a while, and my pelvis pain is still there (it will most likely be there until I give birth) but I've been able to still work out 4 days weekly, and walk a ton, so that's great. But I'm definitely starting to feel a tad...uncomfortable while moving. Nothing too bad, but it's definitely a feeling.
So...onward to week 37!!
I have another sinus infection or cold again. And I'm feeling very cranky about it. The last one I had, stuck around for two whole weeks! Pregnancy really does a number on your immune system, cos, you know, your body is focused on other things.
This week I spoke to the midwife about my birth plan and even handed her a paper copy. She was fine (didn't seem the warmest, but she is not one of the midwives who will be attending to the birth, so whatever) and said things are looking good. I also had my weekly NST and chiropractor appointment, and those went well too...
Your dad and I are continuing to get things ready for you, and the biggest challenge we are going to face, is opening up that large closet and pulling everything out. I really need you to stay in because of this! I know that sounds ludicrous, but we really need to get everything sorted in the apartment before you come. Please!!
Your nanni and nanna and Auntie Shirin are coming tomorrow to drop off several of your things. Your car seat, and bath tub, and some other things. It's getting real!!!!
My body still feels, for the most part, good. But I've been waddling for a while, and my pelvis pain is still there (it will most likely be there until I give birth) but I've been able to still work out 4 days weekly, and walk a ton, so that's great. But I'm definitely starting to feel a tad...uncomfortable while moving. Nothing too bad, but it's definitely a feeling.
So...onward to week 37!!
Monday, May 13, 2019
One Month! (Freaking Out...)
You know, the time really just sneaks up on you! For the first 20 weeks of this pregnancy, I'll be frank: I wasn't sure which way it was going. You know, cos I'm old, and there is so much hysteria around pregnancy as is. So I wasn't sure if you were actually going to...you know...make it. But every step of the way, you've been nothing but an amazing baby. I had zero morning sickness, I honestly didn't feel pregnant until my belly started to feel hard, and you passed every prenatal test with flying colors. You and I make a great team!!! I was telling your dad that I'd like you to stay in your cozy cocoon for as long as possible, because I really want you to grow and be healthy and I feel that you are the safest in there.
Today marks exactly a month until your due date. Your dad and I are continuing to put things together in the apartment (most of the new furniture - couch, shelving unit, dresser) has arrived and been assembled, but there is still so much to do! I was really stressing about work, but I've reached a good place there, where my To-Do list is being tackled, plus, I feel truly blessed with my work situation after my job peeps threw me a surprise baby shower last week! It was so sweet! They had asked me to come in for an hour-long meeting to discuss my maternity leave. I was thinking I was going to be fired or something (though from the moment I told them I was expecting, they've been nothing but supportive) and I arrived to the "meeting" to find it was nothing of the sort! Here I was with my maternity plan prepped and ready to talk, and they were organizing the yummy Rasika take-out they ordered and I see all of these bags of gifts. I was so surprised and nearly cried! Plus they got me and your dad another gift card to use. We've been so blessed and showered with love and support throughout this entire journey.
One of the main big things I did this weekend is write out more thank you cards for our baby shower - 16 in fact! I plan to mail those out as soon as your dad signs them all. Goal is to get them all done before your arrival.
Anywho: I'm continuing to do my pregnancy exercises (cat cows every day and adding to that the pelvic stretch), going to the gym (where I'm continuing to squat a bunch), walking a lot, and I recently purchased a stability/birthing ball that I sit on and do exercises that loosen my round ligaments and hips. I'm still drinking a lot of water and taking all of my prenatal vitamins and food has been OK but every now and again I do splurge. It's an interesting thing, the lack of control that comes with being pregnant. I mean, I have no idea whatsoever when you are going to arrive.
Well, in the next few days we will be entering our 36th week. Unfortunately the doula we really wanted is not available, but I've already paid the deposit for placenta encapsulation (!) with another doula, who I'm considering to hire as the one for the big day. Other than that, I'm meeting with the midwives this week to discuss my birth preferences, and your dad and I are going to continue cleaning and purging and creating space for you!
Today marks exactly a month until your due date. Your dad and I are continuing to put things together in the apartment (most of the new furniture - couch, shelving unit, dresser) has arrived and been assembled, but there is still so much to do! I was really stressing about work, but I've reached a good place there, where my To-Do list is being tackled, plus, I feel truly blessed with my work situation after my job peeps threw me a surprise baby shower last week! It was so sweet! They had asked me to come in for an hour-long meeting to discuss my maternity leave. I was thinking I was going to be fired or something (though from the moment I told them I was expecting, they've been nothing but supportive) and I arrived to the "meeting" to find it was nothing of the sort! Here I was with my maternity plan prepped and ready to talk, and they were organizing the yummy Rasika take-out they ordered and I see all of these bags of gifts. I was so surprised and nearly cried! Plus they got me and your dad another gift card to use. We've been so blessed and showered with love and support throughout this entire journey.
One of the main big things I did this weekend is write out more thank you cards for our baby shower - 16 in fact! I plan to mail those out as soon as your dad signs them all. Goal is to get them all done before your arrival.
Anywho: I'm continuing to do my pregnancy exercises (cat cows every day and adding to that the pelvic stretch), going to the gym (where I'm continuing to squat a bunch), walking a lot, and I recently purchased a stability/birthing ball that I sit on and do exercises that loosen my round ligaments and hips. I'm still drinking a lot of water and taking all of my prenatal vitamins and food has been OK but every now and again I do splurge. It's an interesting thing, the lack of control that comes with being pregnant. I mean, I have no idea whatsoever when you are going to arrive.
Well, in the next few days we will be entering our 36th week. Unfortunately the doula we really wanted is not available, but I've already paid the deposit for placenta encapsulation (!) with another doula, who I'm considering to hire as the one for the big day. Other than that, I'm meeting with the midwives this week to discuss my birth preferences, and your dad and I are going to continue cleaning and purging and creating space for you!
Thursday, May 9, 2019
Weeks 34+35
Wowie!!!!!! We have five weeks until your due date. Crazy crazy crazy times!
I still remember when your dad and I found out I was pregnant...30 weeks ago. So much has changed, so much has opened up for us. It's truly a wondrous thing.
So apparently you are going to stay the length you are, which is the size of a pineapple/butternut squash/acorn squash/bunch of carrots (oh these fruit and veggie sizes are all over the place!) but you should be gaining a pound or two until your birth.
You continue to do well. In fact, during my third NST test (which I must get every week since my age qualifies me as high risk) the tech continued to marvel at how well you move, the incredible jumps in your heart rate. I don't fully understand it when she says "this is the best reading I'm going to get all day!" (she's said that the last two times I've been there) and when I asked her what that meant she just said you were really happy in there (??) and would be going to Harvard or Yale eventually. Still don't know what that means, but I guess it's a good thing and I'll take it!
Your dad and I are continuing to get our place ready for you. And we ordered your first set of diapers!!! We also did the last bit of traveling we are planning to do until your arrival, and we are kinda/nearly/maybe? close to getting the apartment fully prepped for you. I've encouraged your dad to hold off on pulling open that dreaded closet and cleaning it out. As soon as it opens, it's game over!
The other thing we've done is find a doula we want to work with. We are really excited about who we have selected, and hopefully your arrival will work with her schedule. Other than that, I'm treating these next five weeks like I'm training for a marathon. Meaning: I'm continuing to work out 4 days weekly, doing my other prenatal exercises, drinking a ton of water, and working on eating healthy foods. Cos I know when it's time for you to arrive it's not going to feel like nothing!
Ok, onward to week 36! (OMG, and only 4 weeks until your arrival!)
I still remember when your dad and I found out I was pregnant...30 weeks ago. So much has changed, so much has opened up for us. It's truly a wondrous thing.
So apparently you are going to stay the length you are, which is the size of a pineapple/butternut squash/acorn squash/bunch of carrots (oh these fruit and veggie sizes are all over the place!) but you should be gaining a pound or two until your birth.
You continue to do well. In fact, during my third NST test (which I must get every week since my age qualifies me as high risk) the tech continued to marvel at how well you move, the incredible jumps in your heart rate. I don't fully understand it when she says "this is the best reading I'm going to get all day!" (she's said that the last two times I've been there) and when I asked her what that meant she just said you were really happy in there (??) and would be going to Harvard or Yale eventually. Still don't know what that means, but I guess it's a good thing and I'll take it!
Your dad and I are continuing to get our place ready for you. And we ordered your first set of diapers!!! We also did the last bit of traveling we are planning to do until your arrival, and we are kinda/nearly/maybe? close to getting the apartment fully prepped for you. I've encouraged your dad to hold off on pulling open that dreaded closet and cleaning it out. As soon as it opens, it's game over!
The other thing we've done is find a doula we want to work with. We are really excited about who we have selected, and hopefully your arrival will work with her schedule. Other than that, I'm treating these next five weeks like I'm training for a marathon. Meaning: I'm continuing to work out 4 days weekly, doing my other prenatal exercises, drinking a ton of water, and working on eating healthy foods. Cos I know when it's time for you to arrive it's not going to feel like nothing!
Ok, onward to week 36! (OMG, and only 4 weeks until your arrival!)
Friday, April 26, 2019
Weeks 32+33
Hi hi!!!
Life has gotten in the way so I'm combining weeks again. Ok, so week 32 you were the size of a pomelo (that giant grapefruit-like thing) and this week you are the size of a bunch of celery/butternut squash and cauliflower.
Big development: we had your first NST (non stress test) to measure your heart rate during acceleration and your movement in general (this is another test that moms of Advanced Maternal Age receive) and you passed with flying colors! In fact the tech said you are so happy in there, with all your heart rate jumps and continuous activity. So they strap these monitors to my belly and for about an hour they scan and listen and measure your heart rate, paying special attention to when you are moving because a heightened heart rate during movement means your brain is developing properly. That doesn't make the most sense to me, but I'm just happy you are doing so well!
I went on what I hope to be my last solo trip: Philadelphia for a work conference. I was worried it was going to wipe me out, but it really didn't. And I even got one workout in. I'm back home now, and your poor dad hurt his back, and I told him he really has to get this back situ under control, cos once you come, and once we are your full time caretakers, we really can't afford for him to have his back go out all the time. I'm convincing him to go see my chiropractor, who I really credit with giving me a better aligned body (no lower back pain whatsoever at this stage of pregnancy - I mean, that's incredible) so we will see if he listens. He's very stubborn about things like this.
Anywho!
We've got 7 weeks until your due date. We also have one final trip to make (together) next week, when we head up to NJ for the family baby shower. I'm dreading it, to be honest. Our extended family can get on my nerves, but I'm learning, through my birthing course, to create a "Bubble of Peace" that allows everyone's negative opinions to bounce off this forcefield I've created.
Onward to week 34!
Life has gotten in the way so I'm combining weeks again. Ok, so week 32 you were the size of a pomelo (that giant grapefruit-like thing) and this week you are the size of a bunch of celery/butternut squash and cauliflower.
Big development: we had your first NST (non stress test) to measure your heart rate during acceleration and your movement in general (this is another test that moms of Advanced Maternal Age receive) and you passed with flying colors! In fact the tech said you are so happy in there, with all your heart rate jumps and continuous activity. So they strap these monitors to my belly and for about an hour they scan and listen and measure your heart rate, paying special attention to when you are moving because a heightened heart rate during movement means your brain is developing properly. That doesn't make the most sense to me, but I'm just happy you are doing so well!
I went on what I hope to be my last solo trip: Philadelphia for a work conference. I was worried it was going to wipe me out, but it really didn't. And I even got one workout in. I'm back home now, and your poor dad hurt his back, and I told him he really has to get this back situ under control, cos once you come, and once we are your full time caretakers, we really can't afford for him to have his back go out all the time. I'm convincing him to go see my chiropractor, who I really credit with giving me a better aligned body (no lower back pain whatsoever at this stage of pregnancy - I mean, that's incredible) so we will see if he listens. He's very stubborn about things like this.
Anywho!
We've got 7 weeks until your due date. We also have one final trip to make (together) next week, when we head up to NJ for the family baby shower. I'm dreading it, to be honest. Our extended family can get on my nerves, but I'm learning, through my birthing course, to create a "Bubble of Peace" that allows everyone's negative opinions to bounce off this forcefield I've created.
Onward to week 34!
Monday, April 15, 2019
What No One Tells You - Part 4
It's interesting, so for most of my pregnancy, I would say up until week 30 or so, I was worried about whether this pregnancy was going to be viable. Every day, every week, every doctor's appointment, I was a ball of stress. It lessened significantly after our 20-week anatomy scan, but for the most part, I really wasn't sure it was happening.
And then we hit 30 weeks and it's like - damn, we are going to have a baby and we have to get our shit together!!!! There is that military term, hurry up and wait, and it feels very much like that. The first few months didn't go by slowly, but all of the anxiety and fear, made me feel numb to the reality that I was growing a human being in my belly. And now, he's just huge and moving around so much it's like an alien underneath my skin, and in the next few weeks that he's in there, he's just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger. So yes - this is indeed happening!
So for this edition of "What No One Tells You" one of the topics is about time. How during pregnancy time is a funny thing. First off, there is the fact that you are seemingly pregnant for a lot longer than 9 months, and that telling people you are in week such and such, doesn't do much for clarity. And as a high-risk mom, most of the first two trimesters was spent just wanting to pass certain milestones (or let's be real, just simply get to the next week and next month) without the doctors telling me something is wrong. And now we are on the other side of that and it feels like we are high-tailing it before the baby arrives. We are working on our apartment (throwing things away, getting rid of old furniture, getting new furniture...more cleaning...did I mention cleaning?) and also looking to purchase a car and continuing to look for a house for our long term plans...
Other than that, the other thing I would like to talk about is this: when you are pregnant, the priority is the baby (which, duh, I totally get) and mama's health is really in relation to the baby's (a healthy mama means a healthy baby). And while that is great, I really am thinking about the long haul here, you know, ensuring that giving birth doesn't totally and utterly wreck my body. I'm really grateful now, that my pubic bone/pelvis pain, sent me to the chiropractor (twice weekly sessions since week 24 thank you very much!) because at 31-plus weeks I have no back pain, and while the pubic bone pain is still very much present, I feel that all of this aligning I've been doing in the past few months is gearing my body up for a better delivery.
I'm also determined to have a natural, unmedicated, vaginal birth, and for the past few weeks (when it hit me that indeed we are having this baby!) I've done some research to figure out how I'm going to do that when crunch time hits. (I was in the delivery room with my sister when she tried an unmedicated birth...she ended up getting an epidural 12 hours in.) I know the reality is I can't just head into my delivery with no plan in place, so I have been doing this hypnobabies course. It's essentially learning hypnosis techniques as a way to anesthetize yourself from the pain of delivery. I know that everything can go out the window when the time comes, but I'd like to at least try to equip myself with some tools for a natural childbirth. (I'll let you know in 9 weeks how it goes!)
Anywho...that's it for my latest "What No One Tells You" post!
And then we hit 30 weeks and it's like - damn, we are going to have a baby and we have to get our shit together!!!! There is that military term, hurry up and wait, and it feels very much like that. The first few months didn't go by slowly, but all of the anxiety and fear, made me feel numb to the reality that I was growing a human being in my belly. And now, he's just huge and moving around so much it's like an alien underneath my skin, and in the next few weeks that he's in there, he's just going to get bigger and bigger and bigger. So yes - this is indeed happening!
So for this edition of "What No One Tells You" one of the topics is about time. How during pregnancy time is a funny thing. First off, there is the fact that you are seemingly pregnant for a lot longer than 9 months, and that telling people you are in week such and such, doesn't do much for clarity. And as a high-risk mom, most of the first two trimesters was spent just wanting to pass certain milestones (or let's be real, just simply get to the next week and next month) without the doctors telling me something is wrong. And now we are on the other side of that and it feels like we are high-tailing it before the baby arrives. We are working on our apartment (throwing things away, getting rid of old furniture, getting new furniture...more cleaning...did I mention cleaning?) and also looking to purchase a car and continuing to look for a house for our long term plans...
Other than that, the other thing I would like to talk about is this: when you are pregnant, the priority is the baby (which, duh, I totally get) and mama's health is really in relation to the baby's (a healthy mama means a healthy baby). And while that is great, I really am thinking about the long haul here, you know, ensuring that giving birth doesn't totally and utterly wreck my body. I'm really grateful now, that my pubic bone/pelvis pain, sent me to the chiropractor (twice weekly sessions since week 24 thank you very much!) because at 31-plus weeks I have no back pain, and while the pubic bone pain is still very much present, I feel that all of this aligning I've been doing in the past few months is gearing my body up for a better delivery.
I'm also determined to have a natural, unmedicated, vaginal birth, and for the past few weeks (when it hit me that indeed we are having this baby!) I've done some research to figure out how I'm going to do that when crunch time hits. (I was in the delivery room with my sister when she tried an unmedicated birth...she ended up getting an epidural 12 hours in.) I know the reality is I can't just head into my delivery with no plan in place, so I have been doing this hypnobabies course. It's essentially learning hypnosis techniques as a way to anesthetize yourself from the pain of delivery. I know that everything can go out the window when the time comes, but I'd like to at least try to equip myself with some tools for a natural childbirth. (I'll let you know in 9 weeks how it goes!)
Anywho...that's it for my latest "What No One Tells You" post!
Week 31
Well technically I'm closer to week 32, than week 31...but here goes a recap of how you are, and how I am, and your dad, too.
So you are now the size of...(let me check my apps!) a bunch of asparagus/coconut and romaine lettuce. You are still moving like crazy and your dad and I got to see your final (I think?) ultrasound and we were even treated to a 3-D imagery of your face and it was delightful! Not only were you moving non-stop, you are close to 4 pounds now, and...we saw some hair in the ultrasound. Your dad laughed so bad when the tech told us that, it was really cute.
It feels so very real now, and your due date is June 13, which is less than two months away. Your dad and I tried to find a one-bedroom apartment, but since that didn't happen, we are staying in this studio for now and sprucing it up. Your aunt, TC, gave us a ton of advice to get it ready for your arrival, so we purchased a dresser, carpet, and new couch. All are arriving in the next month. Also: we've got to tackle the large closet that is stuffed to the brim of 50% useless things. I'm really scared to open that closet up and start that project because it will be madness! But it will be done.
Tomorrow, due to my advanced maternal age (AMA for short) we will have what is known as the nonstress test, where they will test your heartbeat, your movements, and if I have contractions, how you react to them. It's an hour-long test and I'm hoping all goes well. So far everything has so I'm hoping for the best.
Here's to week 32!
So you are now the size of...(let me check my apps!) a bunch of asparagus/coconut and romaine lettuce. You are still moving like crazy and your dad and I got to see your final (I think?) ultrasound and we were even treated to a 3-D imagery of your face and it was delightful! Not only were you moving non-stop, you are close to 4 pounds now, and...we saw some hair in the ultrasound. Your dad laughed so bad when the tech told us that, it was really cute.
It feels so very real now, and your due date is June 13, which is less than two months away. Your dad and I tried to find a one-bedroom apartment, but since that didn't happen, we are staying in this studio for now and sprucing it up. Your aunt, TC, gave us a ton of advice to get it ready for your arrival, so we purchased a dresser, carpet, and new couch. All are arriving in the next month. Also: we've got to tackle the large closet that is stuffed to the brim of 50% useless things. I'm really scared to open that closet up and start that project because it will be madness! But it will be done.
Tomorrow, due to my advanced maternal age (AMA for short) we will have what is known as the nonstress test, where they will test your heartbeat, your movements, and if I have contractions, how you react to them. It's an hour-long test and I'm hoping all goes well. So far everything has so I'm hoping for the best.
Here's to week 32!
Thursday, April 4, 2019
Week 30
OMG! Only 10 weeks until we meet you!!!! Today you are the size of a zucchini/bunch of broccoli/cantaloupe. Which...is just huge. You are continuing to move around like crazy, and yesterday your dad felt you through my belly.
So on Sunday your aunt, TC and our friends threw us an amazing baby shower. I felt completely "showered" (hehe) with love, and your dad too. And our friends went above and beyond with presents, we really are so blessed.
I feel a bit down and sad right now because not only was your aunt, TC visiting us, but also your cousins, MC and SC. They all left last night on a plane back to California, and I cried about it immediately and have been sad all day about it. It's par for the course when you've got family who are so far away.
So...in terms of where you are at developmentally, your brain is getting wrinkly, your body hair is falling off, and basically you are getting bigger and fatter week by week. Your dad and I are working on getting the apartment organized, cleaned, and ready for your arrival - yikes!
Next week we have what is likely to be our final ultrasound before we meet you in person. I also need to figure out what to pack in my birth bag, and write my delivery/birth plan. Omg omg. It's all so very real now.
Here's to week 31!
So on Sunday your aunt, TC and our friends threw us an amazing baby shower. I felt completely "showered" (hehe) with love, and your dad too. And our friends went above and beyond with presents, we really are so blessed.
I feel a bit down and sad right now because not only was your aunt, TC visiting us, but also your cousins, MC and SC. They all left last night on a plane back to California, and I cried about it immediately and have been sad all day about it. It's par for the course when you've got family who are so far away.
So...in terms of where you are at developmentally, your brain is getting wrinkly, your body hair is falling off, and basically you are getting bigger and fatter week by week. Your dad and I are working on getting the apartment organized, cleaned, and ready for your arrival - yikes!
Next week we have what is likely to be our final ultrasound before we meet you in person. I also need to figure out what to pack in my birth bag, and write my delivery/birth plan. Omg omg. It's all so very real now.
Here's to week 31!
Thursday, March 28, 2019
Week 29
Today is our 29th week! Only 11 more weeks to go - yikes!
You are the size of an acorn squash/head of cauliflower/Hawaiian pineapple. And I realize that it feels like just a few weeks ago you were the size of a sweet potato/avocado. So you are growing really big, really fast!
Today your dad and I felt your little head. It was so cute! We felt your little head through my belly and then you moved away. It was precious...
Anywho...this entry is going to be short because I don't have much to say. The cold that just won't leave me alone is still here, and I realized after talking to your aunt TC that since my body is so focused on you and pregnancy, it's not giving a rat's ass about fighting off this cold. So I've been stuck with it for more than a week now.
Oh! Your aunt and two of my favorite people (my nieces, SC and MC) will be coming to D.C. tomorrow for our baby shower on Sunday!!! Unfortunately your dad is still giving me the silent treatment, so there's that (????)
I miss the gym! I'm hoping after this week that I can go back next week.
Here's to week 30!
You are the size of an acorn squash/head of cauliflower/Hawaiian pineapple. And I realize that it feels like just a few weeks ago you were the size of a sweet potato/avocado. So you are growing really big, really fast!
Today your dad and I felt your little head. It was so cute! We felt your little head through my belly and then you moved away. It was precious...
Anywho...this entry is going to be short because I don't have much to say. The cold that just won't leave me alone is still here, and I realized after talking to your aunt TC that since my body is so focused on you and pregnancy, it's not giving a rat's ass about fighting off this cold. So I've been stuck with it for more than a week now.
Oh! Your aunt and two of my favorite people (my nieces, SC and MC) will be coming to D.C. tomorrow for our baby shower on Sunday!!! Unfortunately your dad is still giving me the silent treatment, so there's that (????)
I miss the gym! I'm hoping after this week that I can go back next week.
Here's to week 30!
Sunday, March 24, 2019
Week 28
Hello third trimester!
I can't believe we've got 12 more weeks til we meet you! (Yikes!)
I'm back on the East Coast after a great (but at times stressful) trip to California to visit family. I'm thrilled because your two cousins and your aunt, TC, will be coming to visit us for a few days starting next Friday.
So you are now the size of an eggplant/head of lettuce/green coconut. I feel you moving a ton (your big feet are constantly on my bladder which isn't the most comfortable feeling ever, but I enjoy it more than not) and I think I officially have been looking like a pregnant lady for a while. I haven't gotten too many annoying comments (yet) and thankfully no strangers have touched the bump (a worry of mine).
Anywho...my pelvic pain has lessened considerably, and I think it's because I was a lot less active in Cali. I plan to head back to the gym as soon as this cold is under control (hopefully by this Wednesday) and I'll also be heading back to the chiropractor. I've been thinking a lot about my delivery and birth plan, and I'd really like to have you outside of a hospital setting - but we've gots to convince your dad this is a good plan!
Next week your aunt TC will be hosting our baby shower, which I'm both excited and nervous about. Mostly excited, but also nervous as well.
Onto week 29!
I can't believe we've got 12 more weeks til we meet you! (Yikes!)
I'm back on the East Coast after a great (but at times stressful) trip to California to visit family. I'm thrilled because your two cousins and your aunt, TC, will be coming to visit us for a few days starting next Friday.
So you are now the size of an eggplant/head of lettuce/green coconut. I feel you moving a ton (your big feet are constantly on my bladder which isn't the most comfortable feeling ever, but I enjoy it more than not) and I think I officially have been looking like a pregnant lady for a while. I haven't gotten too many annoying comments (yet) and thankfully no strangers have touched the bump (a worry of mine).
Anywho...my pelvic pain has lessened considerably, and I think it's because I was a lot less active in Cali. I plan to head back to the gym as soon as this cold is under control (hopefully by this Wednesday) and I'll also be heading back to the chiropractor. I've been thinking a lot about my delivery and birth plan, and I'd really like to have you outside of a hospital setting - but we've gots to convince your dad this is a good plan!
Next week your aunt TC will be hosting our baby shower, which I'm both excited and nervous about. Mostly excited, but also nervous as well.
Onto week 29!
Sunday, March 17, 2019
Weeks 26+27
Hello! (This will be a super short post btw.)
I've just been so busy but I need to post an update! You were the size of a head of kale last week, and this week, as big as a head of lettuce (and almost weighing in at 2 lbs!!)
I've been in Cali this entire week, on a babymoon of a sort (but without your dad, sniff, sniff) and it's been a great trip in many regards, but also kinda sad/confusing/intense due to family stuff. No need to get into it, but it's on my mind.
Soooo....next week is the final week of our second trimester! Excited!
I've just been so busy but I need to post an update! You were the size of a head of kale last week, and this week, as big as a head of lettuce (and almost weighing in at 2 lbs!!)
I've been in Cali this entire week, on a babymoon of a sort (but without your dad, sniff, sniff) and it's been a great trip in many regards, but also kinda sad/confusing/intense due to family stuff. No need to get into it, but it's on my mind.
Soooo....next week is the final week of our second trimester! Excited!
Saturday, March 2, 2019
Weeks 24+25
Hi!
So this week you are the size of a cauliflower and last week you were the size of a cantaloupe (?????) Methinks those are both the same size but whatever!
One of the exciting things I've done is plan for my baby shower. I was quite resistant to this, but your aunties TC, SN, and LR are pulling it together and it's been great fun! I have set one rule: no stupid baby shower games, and I'm hoping that it will be a time for our friends and (some) family to come together for us all to celebrate you. I'm excited!
So after our mid-point anatomy ultrasound, my anxiety about all things pertaining to you, has lessened immensely. Which is great! We had another ultrasound this week because I had some questions about your face (among the 12 questions I asked the doctor during the anatomy ultrasound pertained to a cleft palate possibility) so we went back in to have some pictures of your face to rule that out. And it's been ruled out! You are so much bigger than you were four or so weeks ago, and it's great fun to see all your body parts. Your dad and I are so goofy and are all like "oh that part looks like you - he he."
I'm still dealing with some pelvis/pubic bone pain, and as a result have had to scale back on my workouts even more. It was really sad and frustrating at first, but now I feel better about things (and realize that as this belly grows and grows even more, that I might have to do more scaling/modifying). I'm still in the gym 5 days a week and walking a lot, and have been seeing a prenatal chiropractor twice a week now, which has helped (I think) with the goal of having a good (is there such a thing?) delivery. I don't want to keep misaligning things and then having labor that is primarily in my lower back (I heard that sucks!) or anything like that.
So next week I head to the Bay Area to hang out with my best friends, my sister (and your auntie) TC, your three cousins, and your other auntie SN. My other sister MI lives there too and she's been a bit...distant during this whole process (as have I.) She caused a lot of drama and chaos during my marriage to your dad last year so after that, I realized that she's not the person I thought she was, sadly, and if there is anything I've learned in these four decades on Earth, it's the futility of trying to change someone into something they are not. So distance it is!
Anyways, here is to week 26!
So this week you are the size of a cauliflower and last week you were the size of a cantaloupe (?????) Methinks those are both the same size but whatever!
One of the exciting things I've done is plan for my baby shower. I was quite resistant to this, but your aunties TC, SN, and LR are pulling it together and it's been great fun! I have set one rule: no stupid baby shower games, and I'm hoping that it will be a time for our friends and (some) family to come together for us all to celebrate you. I'm excited!
So after our mid-point anatomy ultrasound, my anxiety about all things pertaining to you, has lessened immensely. Which is great! We had another ultrasound this week because I had some questions about your face (among the 12 questions I asked the doctor during the anatomy ultrasound pertained to a cleft palate possibility) so we went back in to have some pictures of your face to rule that out. And it's been ruled out! You are so much bigger than you were four or so weeks ago, and it's great fun to see all your body parts. Your dad and I are so goofy and are all like "oh that part looks like you - he he."
I'm still dealing with some pelvis/pubic bone pain, and as a result have had to scale back on my workouts even more. It was really sad and frustrating at first, but now I feel better about things (and realize that as this belly grows and grows even more, that I might have to do more scaling/modifying). I'm still in the gym 5 days a week and walking a lot, and have been seeing a prenatal chiropractor twice a week now, which has helped (I think) with the goal of having a good (is there such a thing?) delivery. I don't want to keep misaligning things and then having labor that is primarily in my lower back (I heard that sucks!) or anything like that.
So next week I head to the Bay Area to hang out with my best friends, my sister (and your auntie) TC, your three cousins, and your other auntie SN. My other sister MI lives there too and she's been a bit...distant during this whole process (as have I.) She caused a lot of drama and chaos during my marriage to your dad last year so after that, I realized that she's not the person I thought she was, sadly, and if there is anything I've learned in these four decades on Earth, it's the futility of trying to change someone into something they are not. So distance it is!
Anyways, here is to week 26!
Wednesday, February 20, 2019
What No One Tells You - Part 3
I'm having a hard week!
Hard in that I feel myself throwing a mini (or big, depending on whom you speak to) tantrum because I'm in my 6 month of pregnancy, and things are starting to ache and hurt even more, and that means I've got to scale back and modify even more movements at the gym. And I really don't like that!!!!!! So part three of this segment called "What No One Tells You" is addressing those pesky little unpredictable things that pop up during pregnancy to make you realize that you really have little to no control over what is going on with your growing/changing body. And sometimes it really really really sucks.
So I've had this dull ache (sometimes throbbing pain, mostly at night, when I'm in bed and trying to get out of bed or even just turning over from one side to the next) where it feels like the bones of my pubic bone/pelvis are pulling apart from the sides. And, well, they are. There are a ton of hormonal flushes happening that is causing some of this, but it's also being caused by me doing way too much physically (tons of walking, going to the gym 5 days a week and lifting way too heavy, it seems). And it makes me so mad that I have to stop!
So my symptoms present much like this ailment known as symphysis pubis dysfunction
which pretty much is exactly what I just mentioned (bones pulling apart from my pubic bone area.) Here is a lovely graphic that's more explanatory:
So what this means for the gym, is that I've got to lay off heavy lifting, AAANNNDDDD lunges, dynamic movements like jump squats and ice skaters (any motion that would separate my legs or require me to move side to side). Ugh! I'm a control freak, I am realizing this during this pregnancy even moreso, and the realization that I have little to no agency over my body MAKES ME REALLY UPSET!
Can you tell I'm having a hard time with this? I thought that by actively working to avoid pregnancy related issues like diastasis recti meant I was in the clear and could pretty much do whatever the hell else I want. But, it's really not so. Today I went to the chiropractor with my hubby (he keeps expressing concern at my activity level and I just ignore him) and she told me to scale waaayyy back on the lifting because it's probably the cause of my pelvic pain. #$%^&@ I've already scaled a lot during the past three days at the gym. And I'm really annoyed by it! First off, I am hardly sweating anymore. For anyone who knows me in a workout, I'm one of the first to grab a towel, and now, nary a bead of sweat. Secondly, I just really loved being the #beastpregnant lady who was still busting out clean and jerks and pushing myself during metcons/chippers/amraps/you name it. It's just not the same anymore, and after this baby comes out of me, I'm honestly not sure when I'll be back in the gym. So it all feels very scary and sad for me.
I tried to talk to my sister about it, but she doesn't understand, and hubby doesn't understand AT ALL (note to everyone: husbands get highly irritating during pregnancy, coupled with hormones, you'll probably be yelling at them or wanting to gouge their eyes out at the very least, a whole lot). In my moment of despair (I know these are first-world problems but this is very hard for me!) I came across this excellent podcast episode which features a former CrossFit athlete turned pregnant woman, who speaks to what I'm feeling: this loss of self, frustration with my changing body, coming to terms with the fact that I have little to no control and inability to predict the challenges my body will endure as pregnancy changes it week by week.
I don't really have a remedy to how I'm feeling, other than feeling these feelings and doing what I can to continue to nurture and nourish myself without pushing my body to the point where I'll have issues during delivery and recovery, cos that would really suck. I've got to take a step back and not worry so much about gaining a ton of weight (it's definitely a fear of mine) or being so out of shape that I'm unable to perform when I come back to the gym after delivery (another one). So much of this process has been a huge leap of faith. And I realize, more and more, how little of that I really have. I'm beholden to these hormones and fear and coming to terms with the fact that my life is really going to change. Ultimately though, I'm excited and thrilled that I will indeed be a mother. So that supersedes all this stuff I'm going through right now, even if it's taking my attention at the moment. Anyways...
Hard in that I feel myself throwing a mini (or big, depending on whom you speak to) tantrum because I'm in my 6 month of pregnancy, and things are starting to ache and hurt even more, and that means I've got to scale back and modify even more movements at the gym. And I really don't like that!!!!!! So part three of this segment called "What No One Tells You" is addressing those pesky little unpredictable things that pop up during pregnancy to make you realize that you really have little to no control over what is going on with your growing/changing body. And sometimes it really really really sucks.
So I've had this dull ache (sometimes throbbing pain, mostly at night, when I'm in bed and trying to get out of bed or even just turning over from one side to the next) where it feels like the bones of my pubic bone/pelvis are pulling apart from the sides. And, well, they are. There are a ton of hormonal flushes happening that is causing some of this, but it's also being caused by me doing way too much physically (tons of walking, going to the gym 5 days a week and lifting way too heavy, it seems). And it makes me so mad that I have to stop!
So my symptoms present much like this ailment known as symphysis pubis dysfunction
which pretty much is exactly what I just mentioned (bones pulling apart from my pubic bone area.) Here is a lovely graphic that's more explanatory:
Can you tell I'm having a hard time with this? I thought that by actively working to avoid pregnancy related issues like diastasis recti meant I was in the clear and could pretty much do whatever the hell else I want. But, it's really not so. Today I went to the chiropractor with my hubby (he keeps expressing concern at my activity level and I just ignore him) and she told me to scale waaayyy back on the lifting because it's probably the cause of my pelvic pain. #$%^&@ I've already scaled a lot during the past three days at the gym. And I'm really annoyed by it! First off, I am hardly sweating anymore. For anyone who knows me in a workout, I'm one of the first to grab a towel, and now, nary a bead of sweat. Secondly, I just really loved being the #beastpregnant lady who was still busting out clean and jerks and pushing myself during metcons/chippers/amraps/you name it. It's just not the same anymore, and after this baby comes out of me, I'm honestly not sure when I'll be back in the gym. So it all feels very scary and sad for me.
I tried to talk to my sister about it, but she doesn't understand, and hubby doesn't understand AT ALL (note to everyone: husbands get highly irritating during pregnancy, coupled with hormones, you'll probably be yelling at them or wanting to gouge their eyes out at the very least, a whole lot). In my moment of despair (I know these are first-world problems but this is very hard for me!) I came across this excellent podcast episode which features a former CrossFit athlete turned pregnant woman, who speaks to what I'm feeling: this loss of self, frustration with my changing body, coming to terms with the fact that I have little to no control and inability to predict the challenges my body will endure as pregnancy changes it week by week.
I don't really have a remedy to how I'm feeling, other than feeling these feelings and doing what I can to continue to nurture and nourish myself without pushing my body to the point where I'll have issues during delivery and recovery, cos that would really suck. I've got to take a step back and not worry so much about gaining a ton of weight (it's definitely a fear of mine) or being so out of shape that I'm unable to perform when I come back to the gym after delivery (another one). So much of this process has been a huge leap of faith. And I realize, more and more, how little of that I really have. I'm beholden to these hormones and fear and coming to terms with the fact that my life is really going to change. Ultimately though, I'm excited and thrilled that I will indeed be a mother. So that supersedes all this stuff I'm going through right now, even if it's taking my attention at the moment. Anyways...
Thursday, February 14, 2019
Week 23
Hi hi!
So you are now the size of a grapefuit/bunch of grapes. I really am not understanding how these fruit/veggie sizes work, but whatever!
It's a much better week for your dad and I, and in fact, we went to Target yesterday and your dad was giddy with excitement over buying your first set of clothes. He intends to buy you something every week, and it makes him so very happy!
So last week I was going to head up to see your Nanni and Nanna in NJ to clear my head for a few days, but I ended up not doing that. I'm glad I didn't, because things worked itself out, and because I didn't want to miss the gym (haha!) it's true though! I'm going to try to stick to my 5-times a week gym routine until you come because I'm not really sure what my gym life will look like when you are here. I've already talked to your dad about heading back to the gym three days a week after you're born, but I'm really not sure when that will be.
Anywho! So you're continuing to move a ton, which is great. And today, I went to my first prenatal group (with a bunch of other women who are due in June like me). It was interesting, and at first I was really really uncomfortable. Your dad didn't come with me because I wasn't sure if men were allowed, but there were two men there, so he's going to start coming with me from now on. I wasn't sure I really vibed with the women, but...it was great because I really felt it was a space where all of my questions could be answered.
Oh! We are officially in our 6 month now! Pregnancy math is so weird and confusing, but apparently weeks 23-27 are all month six. Crazy how fast this time is going by. My body feels a ton more achy now that it did before, especially the round ligament pain (all over my belly) and my pubic bone, which is unfortunately something many women deal with during pregnancy, especially women who lift weights.
Anywho...onward to week 24!!
So you are now the size of a grapefuit/bunch of grapes. I really am not understanding how these fruit/veggie sizes work, but whatever!
It's a much better week for your dad and I, and in fact, we went to Target yesterday and your dad was giddy with excitement over buying your first set of clothes. He intends to buy you something every week, and it makes him so very happy!
So last week I was going to head up to see your Nanni and Nanna in NJ to clear my head for a few days, but I ended up not doing that. I'm glad I didn't, because things worked itself out, and because I didn't want to miss the gym (haha!) it's true though! I'm going to try to stick to my 5-times a week gym routine until you come because I'm not really sure what my gym life will look like when you are here. I've already talked to your dad about heading back to the gym three days a week after you're born, but I'm really not sure when that will be.
Anywho! So you're continuing to move a ton, which is great. And today, I went to my first prenatal group (with a bunch of other women who are due in June like me). It was interesting, and at first I was really really uncomfortable. Your dad didn't come with me because I wasn't sure if men were allowed, but there were two men there, so he's going to start coming with me from now on. I wasn't sure I really vibed with the women, but...it was great because I really felt it was a space where all of my questions could be answered.
Oh! We are officially in our 6 month now! Pregnancy math is so weird and confusing, but apparently weeks 23-27 are all month six. Crazy how fast this time is going by. My body feels a ton more achy now that it did before, especially the round ligament pain (all over my belly) and my pubic bone, which is unfortunately something many women deal with during pregnancy, especially women who lift weights.
Anywho...onward to week 24!!
Saturday, February 9, 2019
Week 22
Hi!
Sorry I'm late to this post but I have to be real with you: it's been a tough week. So tough, that I'm going to go and stay with your Nanni and Nanna in NJ for a few days to clear my head. So there is that...
You are now the size of a coconut/spaghetti squash/ear of corn. All the same size, right? (??) You're moving a ton, and it's the best feeling for me. Sometimes when I feel lonely and afraid, you are there moving around and I feel so much better.
I do feel that in terms of you, I've relaxed a bunch since we got our anatomy ultrasound and everything came back A-OK (and with me, too.) Your dad and I started doing some car shopping, but I wonder if it's premature at this point. You are arriving in less than five months so we are trying to get a few things in order, but getting a car might not be necessary, especially if I find your doctor walking distance away (and I'd love to just spend most of my day pushing you around, to be honest, versus driving you around in a car.)
I think it's time for me to be grateful. It's been a hard week, so it's easy to focus on the things that are making me sad, but I'm grateful for these things: 1) The gym and my gym coaches (the best in the biz!) 2) My meditation studio 3) My parents 4) My three nieces, especially the crazy monster AC 5) My support system SN and TC
Onward to 23 weeks!
Sorry I'm late to this post but I have to be real with you: it's been a tough week. So tough, that I'm going to go and stay with your Nanni and Nanna in NJ for a few days to clear my head. So there is that...
You are now the size of a coconut/spaghetti squash/ear of corn. All the same size, right? (??) You're moving a ton, and it's the best feeling for me. Sometimes when I feel lonely and afraid, you are there moving around and I feel so much better.
I do feel that in terms of you, I've relaxed a bunch since we got our anatomy ultrasound and everything came back A-OK (and with me, too.) Your dad and I started doing some car shopping, but I wonder if it's premature at this point. You are arriving in less than five months so we are trying to get a few things in order, but getting a car might not be necessary, especially if I find your doctor walking distance away (and I'd love to just spend most of my day pushing you around, to be honest, versus driving you around in a car.)
I think it's time for me to be grateful. It's been a hard week, so it's easy to focus on the things that are making me sad, but I'm grateful for these things: 1) The gym and my gym coaches (the best in the biz!) 2) My meditation studio 3) My parents 4) My three nieces, especially the crazy monster AC 5) My support system SN and TC
Onward to 23 weeks!
Friday, February 1, 2019
Week 21
Hi!
We have so much to be grateful for this week! Two big things come to mind:
My anxiety was sky-high this week due to many different variables, most of them involving you, and the upcoming anatomy scan (on Wednesday January 30, which was two months after our last ultrasound) where the doctor and tech look at all parts of you - brain, heart, organs, feet, legs...private parts - to ensure all is going well. In addition they make sure my uterus and cervix and amniotic fluid levels are all A-OK. And you know what, we couldn't have gotten a better outcome! Phew! The best part was seeing your hands and feet, because I've been telling your dad I really want you to have his feet and hands. His feet are like big bear paws with high arches and I just think they will be super adorable on a baby. And I'm pretty sure you have his feet!!
I really drove your dad and your grandparents nuts in advance of the anatomy scan (sowwy...in fact your Nanni fasted the day of the ultrasound to ensure all was well). The doctor (she was female, young, and a woman of color, all things that instantly comforted me) was so kind and allowed me to pull out my notebook where I went through a series of 12 questions. Afterwards, I wouldn't say I was in a good mood per se, because I've been so worried that it was still hard to let go of that. But, as has become our tradition after ultrasounds, your dad and I went to Masala Art in Tenleytown for the Indian buffet (like always it was delicious and I think you enjoyed it too!)
Now that the anatomy scan is over, and we are finally and fully in the second trimester, I'm going to give myself a break and not worry about you so much. Oh! And the next big thing:
I finally told my two bosses, the director of the program where I work and the Vice President, about you. I've been bracing for the worst case scenario, cos you never really know, and both conversations went so exceedingly well it blows my mind. The director is female with three kids and as soon as I told her she said "I was already having a good day and this makes my day even better!" and she offered to take off her manager hat to give me whatever mom advice I might need. I nearly cried!
Then, I told the VP during our one-on-one check-in yesterday, and he's always been the kind of dude who talks about keeping his white male privilege in check and respecting women, especially women of color, and he's not all talk! He, like she, was so happy for me and told me to take all the time I needed. He then made reference to ensuring that they "pay me handsomely" and I wasn't sure what he meant (since I'm an independent contractor I don't get paid maternity leave) then he asked me when you are due, and I said mid-June and that I would be taking part of June, July and part of August off, and he told me to invoice all of June and all of July, so I get paid for some of my time off! That was huge because he was doing this from the kindness of his heart and in no way needed to do that. But he said that it was important that as a new mother, my family not worry about paying the bills. Again, I nearly cried!
I got off the phone in a daze and called your dad and auntie TC and told them the news. I've been doing a lot of number crunching and have your dad and I on a pretty strict budget, and even with two months unpaid, we were going to be OK, but this makes things so much better for us. I'm also so happy I decided to stick with this company as an independent contractor, because your dad and I have figured out a way (with some shifting of his schedule) to watch you ourselves and not put you in daycare or anything like that. The flexibility of having this job has been such a blessing, and it's allowed your dad and I to get in a good place financially.
So, I've decided that with all the good that's happened this week, it's time to give back and show my gratitude. So I'm going to donate a portion of my tax return to a charity, one specifically focused on children.
Anyways...this has been the best week so far in my pregnancy with you, because I realize that as scary as this whole process has been, there is this voice deep inside of me that knows everything is going to be OK and that you are changing my life for the better.
Here's to week 22!
We have so much to be grateful for this week! Two big things come to mind:
My anxiety was sky-high this week due to many different variables, most of them involving you, and the upcoming anatomy scan (on Wednesday January 30, which was two months after our last ultrasound) where the doctor and tech look at all parts of you - brain, heart, organs, feet, legs...private parts - to ensure all is going well. In addition they make sure my uterus and cervix and amniotic fluid levels are all A-OK. And you know what, we couldn't have gotten a better outcome! Phew! The best part was seeing your hands and feet, because I've been telling your dad I really want you to have his feet and hands. His feet are like big bear paws with high arches and I just think they will be super adorable on a baby. And I'm pretty sure you have his feet!!
I really drove your dad and your grandparents nuts in advance of the anatomy scan (sowwy...in fact your Nanni fasted the day of the ultrasound to ensure all was well). The doctor (she was female, young, and a woman of color, all things that instantly comforted me) was so kind and allowed me to pull out my notebook where I went through a series of 12 questions. Afterwards, I wouldn't say I was in a good mood per se, because I've been so worried that it was still hard to let go of that. But, as has become our tradition after ultrasounds, your dad and I went to Masala Art in Tenleytown for the Indian buffet (like always it was delicious and I think you enjoyed it too!)
Now that the anatomy scan is over, and we are finally and fully in the second trimester, I'm going to give myself a break and not worry about you so much. Oh! And the next big thing:
I finally told my two bosses, the director of the program where I work and the Vice President, about you. I've been bracing for the worst case scenario, cos you never really know, and both conversations went so exceedingly well it blows my mind. The director is female with three kids and as soon as I told her she said "I was already having a good day and this makes my day even better!" and she offered to take off her manager hat to give me whatever mom advice I might need. I nearly cried!
Then, I told the VP during our one-on-one check-in yesterday, and he's always been the kind of dude who talks about keeping his white male privilege in check and respecting women, especially women of color, and he's not all talk! He, like she, was so happy for me and told me to take all the time I needed. He then made reference to ensuring that they "pay me handsomely" and I wasn't sure what he meant (since I'm an independent contractor I don't get paid maternity leave) then he asked me when you are due, and I said mid-June and that I would be taking part of June, July and part of August off, and he told me to invoice all of June and all of July, so I get paid for some of my time off! That was huge because he was doing this from the kindness of his heart and in no way needed to do that. But he said that it was important that as a new mother, my family not worry about paying the bills. Again, I nearly cried!
I got off the phone in a daze and called your dad and auntie TC and told them the news. I've been doing a lot of number crunching and have your dad and I on a pretty strict budget, and even with two months unpaid, we were going to be OK, but this makes things so much better for us. I'm also so happy I decided to stick with this company as an independent contractor, because your dad and I have figured out a way (with some shifting of his schedule) to watch you ourselves and not put you in daycare or anything like that. The flexibility of having this job has been such a blessing, and it's allowed your dad and I to get in a good place financially.
So, I've decided that with all the good that's happened this week, it's time to give back and show my gratitude. So I'm going to donate a portion of my tax return to a charity, one specifically focused on children.
Anyways...this has been the best week so far in my pregnancy with you, because I realize that as scary as this whole process has been, there is this voice deep inside of me that knows everything is going to be OK and that you are changing my life for the better.
Here's to week 22!
Sunday, January 27, 2019
Week 20
Hi! We are officially halfway through this pregnancy. Crazy crazy pants!
Also, I don't get this size thing. I have four different apps (that is probably the problem) and apparently this week you are the size of a mango/banana/endive (none of those are remotely the same size as each other)...but another app said you were mango-sized last week so....
I gotta tell ya, your mama is a basket case this week. We are just days away from our mid-point (can't believe you will be here in 4.5 months!) ultrasound, also known as the anatomy scan, where we spend an hour looking at you and making sure everything is developing properly (the chambers of your heart, your brain...every little itty bitty thing).
I don't know why I think worrying will somehow prepare me for the worse case scenario, when all it's doing is taking me out of feeling my happiness now. Maybe I should focus on some wins I had this week?
Work is going well, even if I still have yet to break the news to them (gulp) and will be having those conversations this week. I also went to the gym on Saturday (formally dubbed "Migraine Saturdays) and managed to NOT come down with a pounding head attack. I also walked a ton, and had some really great quality moments with your dad. There is a lot to feel blessed and grateful for.
Anyways! We get to see how you are doing in a few days, and we are both thrilled and nervous and excited (I mean nervousness and excitement are two sides of the same coin) because we have already become so attached to you. I'm already envisioning holding you on my shoulder and smelling your head and how amazing that's going to feel (sniff, sniff).
Here's to week 21!
Also, I don't get this size thing. I have four different apps (that is probably the problem) and apparently this week you are the size of a mango/banana/endive (none of those are remotely the same size as each other)...but another app said you were mango-sized last week so....
I gotta tell ya, your mama is a basket case this week. We are just days away from our mid-point (can't believe you will be here in 4.5 months!) ultrasound, also known as the anatomy scan, where we spend an hour looking at you and making sure everything is developing properly (the chambers of your heart, your brain...every little itty bitty thing).
I don't know why I think worrying will somehow prepare me for the worse case scenario, when all it's doing is taking me out of feeling my happiness now. Maybe I should focus on some wins I had this week?
Work is going well, even if I still have yet to break the news to them (gulp) and will be having those conversations this week. I also went to the gym on Saturday (formally dubbed "Migraine Saturdays) and managed to NOT come down with a pounding head attack. I also walked a ton, and had some really great quality moments with your dad. There is a lot to feel blessed and grateful for.
Anyways! We get to see how you are doing in a few days, and we are both thrilled and nervous and excited (I mean nervousness and excitement are two sides of the same coin) because we have already become so attached to you. I'm already envisioning holding you on my shoulder and smelling your head and how amazing that's going to feel (sniff, sniff).
Here's to week 21!
Monday, January 21, 2019
What No One Tells You - Part 2
So there is this thing I started hearing about before I got pregnant. I specifically heard about it while listening to a CrossFit podcast. It has a sinister-sounding name, and it's hard to spell: diastasis recti. So when you get pregnant, doesn't it seem like you should keep working your core, to ensure it's strong when baby comes? Well not if you don't want to exacerbate diastasis recti. So it's this condition that happens to many pregnant women, when your abs basically separate, and then after the baby comes out, it's all supposed to magically come back together again, but a lot of times it doesn't, and women (some men get this from bad form during weightlifting and yo-yo dieting) are left with this "mom pouch." I really don't want that!
I've never been known for my abs, there has always been some cushion down there, but I really don't want them to get worse, you know? And so like the crazy person I am, I have read a lot about how to prevent diastasis recti (though, truth be told, sometimes it's just gonna happen). First off, when you hit your second trimester (weeks 13) stop working your abs. Just stop it. That's the general consensus I've read. The reason being is that working your abs (planks, sit-ups, anything that stretches those muscles) makes the problem even worse. The best thing to do is to get a belly support band, and work on your core in non-core exercise ways, like doing squats, or angled push-ups, standing planks, side planks. Basically you want to avoid twisting or movements that will cause your belly bump to "cone." I'll let you all know if I suffer from ab separation at all, for now I stopped doing sit-ups and most core work, while continuing to do most other exercises.
So...when you get pregnant, you'll get a lot of unsolicited advice from everyone: strangers, friends, family members. And the thing that I kept hearing when I first announced my pregnancy was this "don't lift anything" bullshit. It stuns me that there is so little known about the female body (from pregnancy to menstruation) that people still believe you can have a miscarriage from lifting weights. The majority of miscarriages happen because of chromosomal issues (read: it's not in your control) and if you were active before pregnancy, there is no reason to stop. I got clearance from my doctor, but people still give me that bogus advice. I also follow a lot of pregnant weight lifters/CrossFit athletes on Instagram, and inevitably they post every now and again that they are going to block people who give them medical advice in the form of "what the heck are you doing lifting like that you're going to harm your baby!" As if these women are not under the guidance of professional medical care. As if!
One of the things I did give up when I became pregnant was my weekly long run. Mainly because I fell one time while running (well before I was pregnant) and I really don't want that to happen while the little guy is in there. I've replaced running with long walks (I try to do about 10K steps three times a week in addition to my workouts). It's become a huge cornerstone to my mental health/feeling happy/keeping my anxiety low. And...I've come to find out that it's one of the best things I could do to prep for delivery! In addition to all the aforementioned benefits, walking will open up and keep my hips flexible for when this little guy comes out in about five months. I love how I intuitively moved toward this form of exercise, without fully understanding all the benefits.
Finally: incontinence. It's come up a bit with friends. Basically me asking if they pee their pants since having babies. I've noticed some pressure on my bladder already (with the baby getting bigger) and I notice it when doing certain moves at the gym, like jumping rope. Delivery does a lot of things to your body, including destabilizing the muscles of your pelvic floor. I've read a lot about doing Kegels (squeezing and releasing your pee muscles) to offset this. I found an app that I really like, and do it while sitting (mostly in bed, hubby has asked me a few times what I'm doing and I told him I'm strengthening my muscles so I don't pee after I deliver the baby - you shoulda seen his face haha). Anyways, it's one other thing I'm working on in addition to slathering my body with Bio Oil to prevent stretch marks (which, truth be told, are determined mostly by genetics) and trying to prevent diastastis recti (which sometimes can't be prevented).
Is this all an exercise in futility?
I'll let you know in 5 months!
I've never been known for my abs, there has always been some cushion down there, but I really don't want them to get worse, you know? And so like the crazy person I am, I have read a lot about how to prevent diastasis recti (though, truth be told, sometimes it's just gonna happen). First off, when you hit your second trimester (weeks 13) stop working your abs. Just stop it. That's the general consensus I've read. The reason being is that working your abs (planks, sit-ups, anything that stretches those muscles) makes the problem even worse. The best thing to do is to get a belly support band, and work on your core in non-core exercise ways, like doing squats, or angled push-ups, standing planks, side planks. Basically you want to avoid twisting or movements that will cause your belly bump to "cone." I'll let you all know if I suffer from ab separation at all, for now I stopped doing sit-ups and most core work, while continuing to do most other exercises.
So...when you get pregnant, you'll get a lot of unsolicited advice from everyone: strangers, friends, family members. And the thing that I kept hearing when I first announced my pregnancy was this "don't lift anything" bullshit. It stuns me that there is so little known about the female body (from pregnancy to menstruation) that people still believe you can have a miscarriage from lifting weights. The majority of miscarriages happen because of chromosomal issues (read: it's not in your control) and if you were active before pregnancy, there is no reason to stop. I got clearance from my doctor, but people still give me that bogus advice. I also follow a lot of pregnant weight lifters/CrossFit athletes on Instagram, and inevitably they post every now and again that they are going to block people who give them medical advice in the form of "what the heck are you doing lifting like that you're going to harm your baby!" As if these women are not under the guidance of professional medical care. As if!
One of the things I did give up when I became pregnant was my weekly long run. Mainly because I fell one time while running (well before I was pregnant) and I really don't want that to happen while the little guy is in there. I've replaced running with long walks (I try to do about 10K steps three times a week in addition to my workouts). It's become a huge cornerstone to my mental health/feeling happy/keeping my anxiety low. And...I've come to find out that it's one of the best things I could do to prep for delivery! In addition to all the aforementioned benefits, walking will open up and keep my hips flexible for when this little guy comes out in about five months. I love how I intuitively moved toward this form of exercise, without fully understanding all the benefits.
Finally: incontinence. It's come up a bit with friends. Basically me asking if they pee their pants since having babies. I've noticed some pressure on my bladder already (with the baby getting bigger) and I notice it when doing certain moves at the gym, like jumping rope. Delivery does a lot of things to your body, including destabilizing the muscles of your pelvic floor. I've read a lot about doing Kegels (squeezing and releasing your pee muscles) to offset this. I found an app that I really like, and do it while sitting (mostly in bed, hubby has asked me a few times what I'm doing and I told him I'm strengthening my muscles so I don't pee after I deliver the baby - you shoulda seen his face haha). Anyways, it's one other thing I'm working on in addition to slathering my body with Bio Oil to prevent stretch marks (which, truth be told, are determined mostly by genetics) and trying to prevent diastastis recti (which sometimes can't be prevented).
Is this all an exercise in futility?
I'll let you know in 5 months!
Friday, January 18, 2019
Week 19
Hi! So we are in week 19, which is 21 weeks away from your arrival, and we are nearly halfway. It feels crazy. I do think these past few months have gone by quite fast. Your dad and I are still talking about names, we don't want anything religious, I would like something to reflect both your father's and my ethnicity...and we've got two names we are batting around and neither I'm too thrilled with. But! We've got about five more months to figure it out!
So...you are the size of a mango/zucchini (which really doesn't make sense to me because I do think sweet potatoes and mangoes and avocado are all the same size...and zucchini and mango are nowhere near the same size but I guess pregnancy apps don't make a lot of sense!) I'm feeling you moving around every day, at all times of the day, and it's an amazing feeling. Your dad and I talked about the fact that I get to be with you all day, while he doesn't, and he admitted he feels a bit sad (aw) about that. I keep telling him to speak to you in Arabic, because that's the plan when you come out, and he truly is himself when he's speaking his own language. Also: the latest genetic test came back and all looks well with you!
I've been tiiiiiiiiiiirrrrreeed this week. Like every day it feels like something has been knocking me down and out even more than usual. I spoke to your aunt, TC about it, and she said "you must be growing some organ for the baby!" I looked it up, and yes, it seems your lungs are starting to develop this week! I hit the gym five days, which is my weekly goal, and did some walking (10K days two days this week) and will go to meditation only once this week (boo) but it's something! It might be time for me to build in some half hour naps during the week so I can offset this tiredness. I'm glad I haven't used it as an excuse to miss the gym (believe me, I wanted to!)
I noticed another thing this week: your dad and I wait for every Thursday (that's when our new week begins) to watch these countdown videos of you, and see how much you are growing and all that, and I feel slightly disappointed after watching them. It's as if I need to wait a whole other week to get excited about you again, and I'm not sure what that's all about. Thankfully, I stopped reading the comments section on this one pregnancy app which was all hysteria and paranoia and fear. Your dad and I are already attached to and love you, and preparing myself and worrying about the worst case scenario only serves to make me feel more anxious during this pregnancy. As if I didn't have enough anxiety!
So...in less than two weeks, we get our mid-point anatomy scan. That's when we get an in-depth ultrasound that looks at all parts of you to ensure everything is growing well and all looks OK. I've been waiting for this appointment since November 27, so you can imagine how much I've wanted and needed the time to go by so I can see you again.
Here is to week 20!
So...you are the size of a mango/zucchini (which really doesn't make sense to me because I do think sweet potatoes and mangoes and avocado are all the same size...and zucchini and mango are nowhere near the same size but I guess pregnancy apps don't make a lot of sense!) I'm feeling you moving around every day, at all times of the day, and it's an amazing feeling. Your dad and I talked about the fact that I get to be with you all day, while he doesn't, and he admitted he feels a bit sad (aw) about that. I keep telling him to speak to you in Arabic, because that's the plan when you come out, and he truly is himself when he's speaking his own language. Also: the latest genetic test came back and all looks well with you!
I've been tiiiiiiiiiiirrrrreeed this week. Like every day it feels like something has been knocking me down and out even more than usual. I spoke to your aunt, TC about it, and she said "you must be growing some organ for the baby!" I looked it up, and yes, it seems your lungs are starting to develop this week! I hit the gym five days, which is my weekly goal, and did some walking (10K days two days this week) and will go to meditation only once this week (boo) but it's something! It might be time for me to build in some half hour naps during the week so I can offset this tiredness. I'm glad I haven't used it as an excuse to miss the gym (believe me, I wanted to!)
I noticed another thing this week: your dad and I wait for every Thursday (that's when our new week begins) to watch these countdown videos of you, and see how much you are growing and all that, and I feel slightly disappointed after watching them. It's as if I need to wait a whole other week to get excited about you again, and I'm not sure what that's all about. Thankfully, I stopped reading the comments section on this one pregnancy app which was all hysteria and paranoia and fear. Your dad and I are already attached to and love you, and preparing myself and worrying about the worst case scenario only serves to make me feel more anxious during this pregnancy. As if I didn't have enough anxiety!
So...in less than two weeks, we get our mid-point anatomy scan. That's when we get an in-depth ultrasound that looks at all parts of you to ensure everything is growing well and all looks OK. I've been waiting for this appointment since November 27, so you can imagine how much I've wanted and needed the time to go by so I can see you again.
Here is to week 20!
Thursday, January 10, 2019
Week 18
Hello! So you are the size of a sweet potato/artichoke (which doesn't seem much bigger to me than an avocado, and you are apparently doubling in size but whatevs!) You've got all your fingerprints, and you are learning how to do a ton of things including yawning (haha your dad will get a hoot out of that), hiccuping and just moving around in general. It's pretty amazing to feel you in there.
I did something really stupid last night (and I didn't tell your dad cos I know he'd be mad at me). I was grabbing some food with friends and afterward I ordered an Uber to go home, and the driver was on the other side of the road, and I literally ran into traffic! The light was green! Bad bad bad bad! As soon as I got into the car, I felt breathless, like, what the heck had I done? The crazy thing is, we drove a block, and this lady was trying to dash across the street (just like me!) and she literally ran into the car door of the Uber! She apologized for her mistake but it was totally weird that she did exactly what I did. I knew I shouldn't have just run across the street like that, but I've been doing that for years and I guess I'm still getting used to you in there and making sure to keep you safe.
So aside from some hormonal acne around my chin/jaw area, and those Saturday migraine days that I've been preempting by drinking a cup of black tea, this trimester has been really great. I'm still tired, but I've been pushing myself to walk, go to the gym, and go back to meditation. One thing that I'm still trying to figure out, though, is how to situate myself during meditation, because I can't lie flat on my back anymore. So that's been frustrating for me, because usually when I go to meditation, I conk out and go to never never land (it's the most expansive, amazing feeling) and the last two sessions, I've been so worried about compressing that vein behind my back and cutting off oxygen to you that I can't seem to relax!
I ordered these yoga blocks to help me set up my mat and space so my torso is elevated, but I still worry! However...the coolest thing about bringing you to meditation, has been how much you move during the sessions! I think you like them! So I'm going to keep going as much as I can, because apparently your little ears are actually hearing things now.
Anywho...this week is a much better week for me in most regards. Your dad and I also had another great doctor's appointment where we heard your heartbeat and your little kick, so I'm happy you are doing so well. Now we've just got to wait for January 30 when we go to the doctor for the anatomy scan.
Here's to week 19!
I did something really stupid last night (and I didn't tell your dad cos I know he'd be mad at me). I was grabbing some food with friends and afterward I ordered an Uber to go home, and the driver was on the other side of the road, and I literally ran into traffic! The light was green! Bad bad bad bad! As soon as I got into the car, I felt breathless, like, what the heck had I done? The crazy thing is, we drove a block, and this lady was trying to dash across the street (just like me!) and she literally ran into the car door of the Uber! She apologized for her mistake but it was totally weird that she did exactly what I did. I knew I shouldn't have just run across the street like that, but I've been doing that for years and I guess I'm still getting used to you in there and making sure to keep you safe.
So aside from some hormonal acne around my chin/jaw area, and those Saturday migraine days that I've been preempting by drinking a cup of black tea, this trimester has been really great. I'm still tired, but I've been pushing myself to walk, go to the gym, and go back to meditation. One thing that I'm still trying to figure out, though, is how to situate myself during meditation, because I can't lie flat on my back anymore. So that's been frustrating for me, because usually when I go to meditation, I conk out and go to never never land (it's the most expansive, amazing feeling) and the last two sessions, I've been so worried about compressing that vein behind my back and cutting off oxygen to you that I can't seem to relax!
I ordered these yoga blocks to help me set up my mat and space so my torso is elevated, but I still worry! However...the coolest thing about bringing you to meditation, has been how much you move during the sessions! I think you like them! So I'm going to keep going as much as I can, because apparently your little ears are actually hearing things now.
Anywho...this week is a much better week for me in most regards. Your dad and I also had another great doctor's appointment where we heard your heartbeat and your little kick, so I'm happy you are doing so well. Now we've just got to wait for January 30 when we go to the doctor for the anatomy scan.
Here's to week 19!
Saturday, January 5, 2019
She's So Funny!!!
So last week me and hubby FaceTimed my three favorite people - my nieces from my sister TC - and they were so thrilled! Well the three-year-old, aka "my best friend"/"the baby" was not. She's been extra moody during FaceTime, but I didn't think anything of it.
Well the next day I called my sister to chat, and as soon as we get on the phone she starts to have a side conversation with my best friend. I asked what she was saying, and my best friend asked when we would be sending her the baby. She then told my sister she would send us a "pretend baby." I was floored! She thinks this baby I'm growing inside of me, is hers! Well I told my sister to tell her she would have to feed the baby milk, change his diaper, and he would have to sleep in her bed (naturally) and she was all for it! It totally made my week, that this crazy person whom I love dearly, is obsessed with my baby and thinks he is hers. Haha!
It's been nice to reflect on the people I love in my life, the ones who give me joy. It's so easy to focus on the people who bring you down. I heard somewhere that our primitive brains are wired to fixate on negative things because that's how we stayed alive during a time when we had to avoid poisonous berries (remember where those berries are and how they are bad!) and run away from saber-tooth tigers. Nowadays we need not focus on every negative thing that happens in life, but that's just what our minds do, so we got to redirect as best we can.
Today my best friend asked TC to FaceTime me so she could "see the baby." Methinks we might have told her a bit too early? I don't know if she'll be able to wait 5.5 more months for this baby to come out!
Well the next day I called my sister to chat, and as soon as we get on the phone she starts to have a side conversation with my best friend. I asked what she was saying, and my best friend asked when we would be sending her the baby. She then told my sister she would send us a "pretend baby." I was floored! She thinks this baby I'm growing inside of me, is hers! Well I told my sister to tell her she would have to feed the baby milk, change his diaper, and he would have to sleep in her bed (naturally) and she was all for it! It totally made my week, that this crazy person whom I love dearly, is obsessed with my baby and thinks he is hers. Haha!
It's been nice to reflect on the people I love in my life, the ones who give me joy. It's so easy to focus on the people who bring you down. I heard somewhere that our primitive brains are wired to fixate on negative things because that's how we stayed alive during a time when we had to avoid poisonous berries (remember where those berries are and how they are bad!) and run away from saber-tooth tigers. Nowadays we need not focus on every negative thing that happens in life, but that's just what our minds do, so we got to redirect as best we can.
Today my best friend asked TC to FaceTime me so she could "see the baby." Methinks we might have told her a bit too early? I don't know if she'll be able to wait 5.5 more months for this baby to come out!
Thursday, January 3, 2019
Week 17
Hi! So apparently you are the size of a pomegranate today and you are building baby fat and teeth and your heart is beating at around 150 beats per minute! Our next doctor's appointment is next Tuesday, they are going to take some blood for additional tests and best part - we get to hear your heartbeat on the Doppler!
So I've definitely felt a lot of anxiety this week, and reading up on late term miscarriages is not the smartest thing for me to do, but of course I'm doing it! A friend who is five weeks more pregnant than me suggested I get the book "Expecting Better" which is written by an economist and less fear-based than all those other books that dictate what you can't do - literally, that's all I think about, what I can't do, what I can't eat, etc. That arrives in the mail today so I'm glad about that. I'm also going back to meditation to calm the nerves as well.
The gym has been great. I didn't work out really at all last week when I was in NJ visiting Nanni and Nanna, though I tried to use this prenatal pregnancy workout app which was just ridiculous, I tell you. Plus my cold got worse when I was in NJ so I just relaxed...a lot. So being back at it in the gym has been really awesome. And...on Tuesday we had a New Year's workout that involved some running and I was super nervous to do (before I was pregnant with you I fell while running so that was traumatizing and I told myself never to run while you were in my belly) but it felt super amazing to run! I was super duper slow, but I think I'm going to add a run/walk into my routine during the week.
Yesterday was clean and jerks at the gym. I've been getting nervous before those workouts, but what helps is following all these badass women on Insta who are continuing to lift heavy weights and perform these exercises and that I've been working out consistently throughout my pregnancy and have never (knock on wood) felt bad while doing so. Yesterday was the same, though toward the end of my sets, I felt a ton of round ligament pain (this strange pain that happens on the sides of the abdomen as the result of my growing uterus) but nothing at all debilitating. I do wonder what's going on with you in there while I'm doing all the exercise, but I trust you are doing great!
One new thing I ordered is this belly wrap thingie. It's super expensive everywhere (about $70), but I found it brand new on eBay for $49! I will be using it when the belly gets bigger while walking and working out, for added support.
That's all for now, here is to week 18!
So I've definitely felt a lot of anxiety this week, and reading up on late term miscarriages is not the smartest thing for me to do, but of course I'm doing it! A friend who is five weeks more pregnant than me suggested I get the book "Expecting Better" which is written by an economist and less fear-based than all those other books that dictate what you can't do - literally, that's all I think about, what I can't do, what I can't eat, etc. That arrives in the mail today so I'm glad about that. I'm also going back to meditation to calm the nerves as well.
The gym has been great. I didn't work out really at all last week when I was in NJ visiting Nanni and Nanna, though I tried to use this prenatal pregnancy workout app which was just ridiculous, I tell you. Plus my cold got worse when I was in NJ so I just relaxed...a lot. So being back at it in the gym has been really awesome. And...on Tuesday we had a New Year's workout that involved some running and I was super nervous to do (before I was pregnant with you I fell while running so that was traumatizing and I told myself never to run while you were in my belly) but it felt super amazing to run! I was super duper slow, but I think I'm going to add a run/walk into my routine during the week.
Yesterday was clean and jerks at the gym. I've been getting nervous before those workouts, but what helps is following all these badass women on Insta who are continuing to lift heavy weights and perform these exercises and that I've been working out consistently throughout my pregnancy and have never (knock on wood) felt bad while doing so. Yesterday was the same, though toward the end of my sets, I felt a ton of round ligament pain (this strange pain that happens on the sides of the abdomen as the result of my growing uterus) but nothing at all debilitating. I do wonder what's going on with you in there while I'm doing all the exercise, but I trust you are doing great!
One new thing I ordered is this belly wrap thingie. It's super expensive everywhere (about $70), but I found it brand new on eBay for $49! I will be using it when the belly gets bigger while walking and working out, for added support.
That's all for now, here is to week 18!
Wednesday, January 2, 2019
Venting...
So because of the holidays, and my migraine Saturdays, I haven't been going to meditation as much as I would like. And it really was a lifesaver during my first trimester when the hormones were making me crazy pants. Literally every Saturday during my first trimester I would fight with hubby and be a lunatic and unreasonable. Anywho, meditating was helping immensely and I haven't been doing it for the last few weeks (I'm not the best at meditating at home though I should probably do 10 minutes or so, at the very least). I say this because I am up to my eyeballs in feelings and I need to get back to meditation stat!
So now that I'm embracing my growing bump and wearing pregnancy clothes and announcing to people (including shitty family members - pardon my language but there are a lot of feelings I'm processing!) I feel super duper vulnerable. In my family's South Indian culture, there is such a thing as the "evil eye." You know, when good things are bestowed on someone, and those around who are jealous and fueled by schadenfreude put their bad omens on you and then something awful happens. Well my mom wholeheartedly believes in this, and since I'm so weird with telling people news that brings even any amount of attention my way (I blame the introvert part of me for this) it's been super nice just being pregnant with no one knowing (and kinda using the evil eye as an excuse for not telling people). I finally told one of two sisters who doesn't know (which was hard, but hubby was great and by my side and did most of the talking and we were not even on the phone with her for 5 mins!) but that evening was a NYE party where a good friend of mine came, and brought along a girl I really can't stand.
Some backstory: so this girl is Pakistani and what I would call very FOBBY (fresh off the boat, very old school like an Indian/Desi auntie who is all about status symbols and what everyone thinks, blah blah) in her mentality. Until I got married, I've had fine interactions with this girl. She's more like friends of friends and I would see her at social events, and chat with her, and it was all good. For the most part she was pleasant when I saw her. Well as soon as I got married, one of the first things this acquaintance did, was send me a FB message asking me if I got married, when I answered in the affirmative, she said something to the effect of "wow, that is very encouraging." Which to me, is just weird. (Hello, why are you making my marriage all about you and your issues?!)
Well I ended up hanging out with her a few months later when my good friend invited me to a play. And that's when things got really shitty: so this girl, I'll name her, Fatima (haha that is actually her name but there are loads of those so no worries) proceeds to bombard me with questions: "how old are you?" "how did you meet your husband?" "oh, so he's not a lawyer/doctor/engineer"? Maybe all of these sound like innocuous questions (there were a ton more that I can't recall in detail but they were all invasive and cloying) but as I was answering each and every question openly and honestly (I've learned this year that not everyone deserves to know all things about me) I started feeling worse and worse about myself.
I experienced the conversation like this: here is this woman, in her 30's, feeling insecure that she's not married, etc. So she comes at me and asks me all manner of questions to make herself feel better. It was just awful. So I did a lot of processing around those feelings and came up with a way to handle this dumb girl (and this method can be applied to any other human who sucks) if/when I interacted with her in the future. My approach: 1) keep my distance with her while remaining civil 2) excuse myself (go to the bathroom, into another room) if she tried her 20 questions with me again. So on NYE, there she is, in all her annoying glory, and I greeted her pleasantly and then proceeded to stay way way way the hell away from her. Well during some point in the night, someone (it might have been hubby, but he's overjoyed and spilling the beans to everyone so...) told her I was pregnant. It's 15 minutes before midnight and she then sits down next to me on the couch and goes "so I heard you're pregnant?" I looked at her, and I could tell that she was going to be all nosy and invasive and ridiculous and awful with her questions. So of course I immediately got super duper annoyed. I took some breaths, then said out loud "oh wow, I have to blow my nose" and got up, and left. It was a victory!! I went into the bathroom, and my hubby followed and I said to him "do not allow that dumb girl to sit next to me anymore." And that was that!
I said bye to her when it was time to leave, but other than that, had no further conversation with her. Sorry stupid girl but I'm not getting into a dialogue with you about how I got pregnant, my age, how hard it was (or wasn't) or any of that. It's none of your damn business! That's what Google is for!
Anyways, I realize as this baby continues to grow inside of me, that I'm growing too. And learning a ton from the people in life who have made me realize that boundaries are essential in all relationships. Especially with people who have only toxic/negative energy to give.
All this is to say: I've got to get back to the things that give me my center. The gym, walking a ton, meditation, and people who nourish me/keep me warm. I will be going back to meditation on Friday, and hopefully hit three classes this week!
Here's to tomorrow, when we are 17 weeks and officially, officially, 4 months preggers (you have to complete the week in order for it to count!)
So now that I'm embracing my growing bump and wearing pregnancy clothes and announcing to people (including shitty family members - pardon my language but there are a lot of feelings I'm processing!) I feel super duper vulnerable. In my family's South Indian culture, there is such a thing as the "evil eye." You know, when good things are bestowed on someone, and those around who are jealous and fueled by schadenfreude put their bad omens on you and then something awful happens. Well my mom wholeheartedly believes in this, and since I'm so weird with telling people news that brings even any amount of attention my way (I blame the introvert part of me for this) it's been super nice just being pregnant with no one knowing (and kinda using the evil eye as an excuse for not telling people). I finally told one of two sisters who doesn't know (which was hard, but hubby was great and by my side and did most of the talking and we were not even on the phone with her for 5 mins!) but that evening was a NYE party where a good friend of mine came, and brought along a girl I really can't stand.
Some backstory: so this girl is Pakistani and what I would call very FOBBY (fresh off the boat, very old school like an Indian/Desi auntie who is all about status symbols and what everyone thinks, blah blah) in her mentality. Until I got married, I've had fine interactions with this girl. She's more like friends of friends and I would see her at social events, and chat with her, and it was all good. For the most part she was pleasant when I saw her. Well as soon as I got married, one of the first things this acquaintance did, was send me a FB message asking me if I got married, when I answered in the affirmative, she said something to the effect of "wow, that is very encouraging." Which to me, is just weird. (Hello, why are you making my marriage all about you and your issues?!)
Well I ended up hanging out with her a few months later when my good friend invited me to a play. And that's when things got really shitty: so this girl, I'll name her, Fatima (haha that is actually her name but there are loads of those so no worries) proceeds to bombard me with questions: "how old are you?" "how did you meet your husband?" "oh, so he's not a lawyer/doctor/engineer"? Maybe all of these sound like innocuous questions (there were a ton more that I can't recall in detail but they were all invasive and cloying) but as I was answering each and every question openly and honestly (I've learned this year that not everyone deserves to know all things about me) I started feeling worse and worse about myself.
I experienced the conversation like this: here is this woman, in her 30's, feeling insecure that she's not married, etc. So she comes at me and asks me all manner of questions to make herself feel better. It was just awful. So I did a lot of processing around those feelings and came up with a way to handle this dumb girl (and this method can be applied to any other human who sucks) if/when I interacted with her in the future. My approach: 1) keep my distance with her while remaining civil 2) excuse myself (go to the bathroom, into another room) if she tried her 20 questions with me again. So on NYE, there she is, in all her annoying glory, and I greeted her pleasantly and then proceeded to stay way way way the hell away from her. Well during some point in the night, someone (it might have been hubby, but he's overjoyed and spilling the beans to everyone so...) told her I was pregnant. It's 15 minutes before midnight and she then sits down next to me on the couch and goes "so I heard you're pregnant?" I looked at her, and I could tell that she was going to be all nosy and invasive and ridiculous and awful with her questions. So of course I immediately got super duper annoyed. I took some breaths, then said out loud "oh wow, I have to blow my nose" and got up, and left. It was a victory!! I went into the bathroom, and my hubby followed and I said to him "do not allow that dumb girl to sit next to me anymore." And that was that!
I said bye to her when it was time to leave, but other than that, had no further conversation with her. Sorry stupid girl but I'm not getting into a dialogue with you about how I got pregnant, my age, how hard it was (or wasn't) or any of that. It's none of your damn business! That's what Google is for!
Anyways, I realize as this baby continues to grow inside of me, that I'm growing too. And learning a ton from the people in life who have made me realize that boundaries are essential in all relationships. Especially with people who have only toxic/negative energy to give.
All this is to say: I've got to get back to the things that give me my center. The gym, walking a ton, meditation, and people who nourish me/keep me warm. I will be going back to meditation on Friday, and hopefully hit three classes this week!
Here's to tomorrow, when we are 17 weeks and officially, officially, 4 months preggers (you have to complete the week in order for it to count!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)