What No One Tells You - Part 3

I'm having a hard week!

Hard in that I feel myself throwing a mini (or big, depending on whom you speak to) tantrum because I'm in my 6 month of pregnancy, and things are starting to ache and hurt even more, and that means I've got to scale back and modify even more movements at the gym. And I really don't like that!!!!!! So part three of this segment called "What No One Tells You" is addressing those pesky little unpredictable things that pop up during pregnancy to make you realize that you really have little to no control over what is going on with your growing/changing body. And sometimes it really really really sucks.

So I've had this dull ache (sometimes throbbing pain, mostly at night, when I'm in bed and trying to get out of bed or even just turning over from one side to the next) where it feels like the bones of my pubic bone/pelvis are pulling apart from the sides. And, well, they are. There are a ton of hormonal flushes happening that is causing some of this, but it's also being caused by me doing way too much physically (tons of walking, going to the gym 5 days a week and lifting way too heavy, it seems). And it makes me so mad that I have to stop!

So my symptoms present much like this ailment known as symphysis pubis dysfunction
which pretty much is exactly what I just mentioned (bones pulling apart from my pubic bone area.) Here is a lovely graphic that's more explanatory:

So what this means for the gym, is that I've got to lay off heavy lifting, AAANNNDDDD lunges, dynamic movements like jump squats and ice skaters (any motion that would separate my legs or require me to move side to side). Ugh! I'm a control freak, I am realizing this during this pregnancy even moreso, and the realization that I have little to no agency over my body MAKES ME REALLY UPSET!

Can you tell I'm having a hard time with this? I thought that by actively working to avoid pregnancy related issues like diastasis recti meant I was in the clear and could pretty much do whatever the hell else I want. But, it's really not so. Today I went to the chiropractor with my hubby (he keeps expressing concern at my activity level and I just ignore him) and she told me to scale waaayyy back on the lifting because it's probably the cause of my pelvic pain. #$%^&@ I've already scaled a lot during the past three days at the gym. And I'm really annoyed by it! First off, I am hardly sweating anymore. For anyone who knows me in a workout, I'm one of the first to grab a towel, and now, nary a bead of sweat. Secondly, I just really loved being the #beastpregnant lady who was still busting out clean and jerks and pushing myself during metcons/chippers/amraps/you name it. It's just not the same anymore, and after this baby comes out of me, I'm honestly not sure when I'll be back in the gym. So it all feels very scary and sad for me.

I tried to talk to my sister about it, but she doesn't understand, and hubby doesn't understand AT ALL (note to everyone: husbands get highly irritating during pregnancy, coupled with hormones, you'll probably be yelling at them or wanting to gouge their eyes out at the very least, a whole lot). In my moment of despair (I know these are first-world problems but this is very hard for me!) I came across this excellent podcast episode which features a former CrossFit athlete turned pregnant woman, who speaks to what I'm feeling: this loss of self, frustration with my changing body, coming to terms with the fact that I have little to no control and inability to predict the challenges my body will endure as pregnancy changes it week by week.

I don't really have a remedy to how I'm feeling, other than feeling these feelings and doing what I can to continue to nurture and nourish myself without pushing my body to the point where I'll have issues during delivery and recovery, cos that would really suck. I've got to take a step back and not worry so much about gaining a ton of weight (it's definitely a fear of mine) or being so out of shape that I'm unable to perform when I come back to the gym after delivery (another one). So much of this process has been a huge leap of faith. And I realize, more and more, how little of that I really have. I'm beholden to these hormones and fear and coming to terms with the fact that my life is really going to change. Ultimately though, I'm excited and thrilled that I will indeed be a mother. So that supersedes all this stuff I'm going through right now, even if it's taking my attention at the moment. Anyways...

Week 23

Hi hi!

So you are now the size of a grapefuit/bunch of grapes. I really am not understanding how these fruit/veggie sizes work, but whatever!

It's a much better week for your dad and I, and in fact, we went to Target yesterday and your dad was giddy with excitement over buying your first set of clothes. He intends to buy you something every week, and it makes him so very happy!

So last week I was going to head up to see your Nanni and Nanna in NJ to clear my head for a few days, but I ended up not doing that. I'm glad I didn't, because things worked itself out, and because I didn't want to miss the gym (haha!) it's true though! I'm going to try to stick to my 5-times a week gym routine until you come because I'm not really sure what my gym life will look like when you are here. I've already talked to your dad about heading back to the gym three days a week after you're born, but I'm really not sure when that will be.

Anywho! So you're continuing to move a ton, which is great. And today, I went to my first prenatal group (with a bunch of other women who are due in June like me). It was interesting, and at first I was really really uncomfortable. Your dad didn't come with me because I wasn't sure if men were allowed, but there were two men there, so he's going to start coming with me from now on. I wasn't sure I really vibed with the women, but...it was great because I really felt it was a space where all of my questions could be answered.

Oh! We are officially in our 6 month now! Pregnancy math is so weird and confusing, but apparently weeks 23-27 are all month six. Crazy how fast this time is going by. My body feels a ton more achy now that it did before, especially the round ligament pain (all over my belly) and my pubic bone, which is unfortunately something many women deal with during pregnancy, especially women who lift weights.

Anywho...onward to week 24!!

Week 22

Hi!

Sorry I'm late to this post but I have to be real with you: it's been a tough week. So tough, that I'm going to go and stay with your Nanni and Nanna in NJ for a few days to clear my head. So there is that...

You are now the size of a coconut/spaghetti squash/ear of corn. All the same size, right? (??) You're moving a ton, and it's the best feeling for me. Sometimes when I feel lonely and afraid, you are there moving around and I feel so much better.

I do feel that in terms of you, I've relaxed a bunch since we got our anatomy ultrasound and everything came back A-OK (and with me, too.) Your dad and I started doing some car shopping, but I wonder if it's premature at this point. You are arriving in less than five months so we are trying to get a few things in order, but getting a car might not be necessary, especially if I find your doctor walking distance away (and I'd love to just spend most of my day pushing you around, to be honest, versus driving you around in a car.)

I think it's time for me to be grateful. It's been a hard week, so it's easy to focus on the things that are making me sad, but I'm grateful for these things: 1) The gym and my gym coaches (the best in the biz!) 2) My meditation studio 3) My parents 4) My three nieces, especially the crazy monster AC 5) My support system SN and TC

Onward to 23 weeks!

Week 21

Hi!

We have so much to be grateful for this week! Two big things come to mind:

My anxiety was sky-high this week due to many different variables, most of them involving you, and the upcoming anatomy scan (on Wednesday January 30, which was two months after our last ultrasound) where the doctor and tech look at all parts of you - brain, heart, organs, feet, legs...private parts - to ensure all is going well. In addition they make sure my uterus and cervix and amniotic fluid levels are all A-OK. And you know what, we couldn't have gotten a better outcome! Phew! The best part was seeing your hands and feet, because I've been telling your dad I really want you to have his feet and hands. His feet are like big bear paws with high arches and I just think they will be super adorable on a baby. And I'm pretty sure you have his feet!!
 
I really drove your dad and your grandparents nuts in advance of the anatomy scan (sowwy...in fact your Nanni fasted the day of the ultrasound to ensure all was well). The doctor (she was female, young, and a woman of color, all things that instantly comforted me) was so kind and allowed me to pull out my notebook where I went through a series of 12 questions. Afterwards, I wouldn't say I was in a good mood per se, because I've been so worried that it was still hard to let go of that. But, as has become our tradition after ultrasounds, your dad and I went to Masala Art in Tenleytown for the Indian buffet (like always it was delicious and I think you enjoyed it too!)

Now that the anatomy scan is over, and we are finally and fully in the second trimester, I'm going to give myself a break and not worry about you so much. Oh! And the next big thing:

I finally told my two bosses, the director of the program where I work and the Vice President, about you. I've been bracing for the worst case scenario, cos you never really know, and both conversations went so exceedingly well it blows my mind. The director is female with three kids and as soon as I told her she said "I was already having a good day and this makes my day even better!" and she offered to take off her manager hat to give me whatever mom advice I might need. I nearly cried!

Then, I told the VP during our one-on-one check-in yesterday, and he's always been the kind of dude who talks about keeping his white male privilege in check and respecting women, especially women of color, and he's not all talk! He, like she, was so happy for me and told me to take all the time I needed. He then made reference to ensuring that they "pay me handsomely" and I wasn't sure what he meant (since I'm an independent contractor I don't get paid maternity leave) then he asked me when you are due, and I said mid-June and that I would be taking part of June, July and part of August off, and he told me to invoice all of June and all of July, so I get paid for some of my time off! That was huge because he was doing this from the kindness of his heart and in no way needed to do that. But he said that it was important that as a new mother, my family not worry about paying the bills. Again, I nearly cried!

I got off the phone in a daze and called your dad and auntie TC and told them the news. I've been doing a lot of number crunching and have your dad and I on a pretty strict budget, and even with two months unpaid, we were going to be OK, but this makes things so much better for us. I'm also so happy I decided to stick with this company as an independent contractor, because your dad and I have figured out a way (with some shifting of his schedule) to watch you ourselves and not put you in daycare or anything like that. The flexibility of having this job has been such a blessing, and it's allowed your dad and I to get in a good place financially.

So, I've decided that with all the good that's happened this week, it's time to give back and show my gratitude. So I'm going to donate a portion of my tax return to a charity, one specifically focused on children.

Anyways...this has been the best week so far in my pregnancy with you, because I realize that as scary as this whole process has been, there is this voice deep inside of me that knows everything is going to be OK and that you are changing my life for the better.

Here's to week 22!