I've heard that becoming a mother can be a lonesome thing, but I thought since I'm an introvert who enjoys solitude, it wouldn't feel that way for me. Wrong. Perhaps it's harder, because my instinct is to nest and stay to myself, but it's not helpful for me as I continue to deal with postpartum depression/anxiety.
Speaking of...so our little guy is now 4 months old, and things with him have been going super well. He's gaining weight, exclusively consuming breast milk, and no major illnesses or issues. But my postpartum anxiety is rearing its ugly head and after getting my period again for the first time since pregnancy and childbirth the yucky feelings from immediately after postpartum resurfaced. The anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, inability to just deal...I'm on a pretty low dosage of anti-anxiety medication, and the psychiatrist had told me I most likely would have to increase in the future, though I was reluctant to do so (there is still so much stigma related to psychiatric care) but after feeling those old simmering impulses come back, it's worth it for me to feel my regular/balanced self. So I upped my meds!
It's not come without issue, though. Hubby is concerned about the affect of it on my body, and breastfeeding (I'm on the medication I'm on because the doctor said there has been tons of research of the medication's effects on pregnancy and breast milk) and because we would like to try for another baby soon. Anyways!
I knew friendships were going to change after giving birth, but it's still a hard thing. I'm grieving my old life and wanting to remain relevant with friends and it's all so fraught with a mixture of happiness and joy (because I'm a mother and I wasn't sure I would ever be experiencing this!) and sadness, and anxiety, and....lots of FOMO. I missed four weddings this past summer, and one of my friends who invited me to her wedding (which I missed) is sorta/kinda mad at me for being MIA. But I don't have time for such pettiness! This new mothering thing is the hardest thing I've ever done, and if someone can't understand that I am not at my phone's beck and call anymore, then they weren't a friend to begin with.
I'm focused on getting outside with the baby more, taking him on walks for both his well being and mine. I hope I start to feel better again, and more myself, and not so stuck in my head and crazy. It's a scary thing, what this mixture of postpartum hormones and life can do to a person.
