Venting...

So because of the holidays, and my migraine Saturdays, I haven't been going to meditation as much as I would like. And it really was a lifesaver during my first trimester when the hormones were making me crazy pants. Literally every Saturday during my first trimester I would fight with hubby and be a lunatic and unreasonable. Anywho, meditating was helping immensely and I haven't been doing it for the last few weeks (I'm not the best at meditating at home though I should probably do 10 minutes or so, at the very least). I say this because I am up to my eyeballs in feelings and I need to get back to meditation stat!

So now that I'm embracing my growing bump and wearing pregnancy clothes and announcing to people (including shitty family members - pardon my language but there are a lot of feelings I'm processing!) I feel super duper vulnerable. In my family's South Indian culture, there is such a thing as the "evil eye." You know, when good things are bestowed on someone, and those around who are jealous and fueled by schadenfreude put their bad omens on you and then something awful happens. Well my mom wholeheartedly believes in this, and since I'm so weird with telling people news that brings even any amount of attention my way (I blame the introvert part of me for this) it's been super nice just being pregnant with no one knowing (and kinda using the evil eye as an excuse for not telling people). I finally told one of two sisters who doesn't know (which was hard, but hubby was great and by my side and did most of the talking and we were not even on the phone with her for 5 mins!) but that evening was a NYE party where a good friend of mine came, and brought along a girl I really can't stand.

Some backstory: so this girl is Pakistani and what I would call very FOBBY (fresh off the boat, very old school like an Indian/Desi auntie who is all about status symbols and what everyone thinks, blah blah) in her mentality. Until I got married, I've had fine interactions with this girl. She's more like friends of friends and I would see her at social events, and chat with her, and it was all good. For the most part she was pleasant when I saw her. Well as soon as I got married, one of the first things this acquaintance did, was send me a FB message asking me if I got married, when I answered in the affirmative, she said something to the effect of "wow, that is very encouraging." Which to me, is just weird. (Hello, why are you making my marriage all about you and your issues?!)

Well I ended up hanging out with her a few months later when my good friend invited me to a play. And that's when things got really shitty: so this girl, I'll name her, Fatima (haha that is actually her name but there are loads of those so no worries) proceeds to bombard me with questions: "how old are you?" "how did you meet your husband?" "oh, so he's not a lawyer/doctor/engineer"? Maybe all of these sound like innocuous questions (there were a ton more that I can't recall in detail but they were all invasive and cloying) but as I was answering each and every question openly and honestly (I've learned this year that not everyone deserves to know all things about me) I started feeling worse and worse about myself.

I experienced the conversation like this: here is this woman, in her 30's, feeling insecure that she's not married, etc. So she comes at me and asks me all manner of questions to make herself feel better. It was just awful. So I did a lot of processing around those feelings and came up with a way to handle this dumb girl (and this method can be applied to any other human who sucks) if/when I interacted with her in the future. My approach: 1) keep my distance with her while remaining civil 2) excuse myself (go to the bathroom, into another room) if she tried her 20 questions with me again. So on NYE, there she is, in all her annoying glory, and I greeted her pleasantly and then proceeded to stay way way way the hell away from her. Well during some point in the night, someone (it might have been hubby, but he's overjoyed and spilling the beans to everyone so...) told her I was pregnant. It's 15 minutes before midnight and she then sits down next to me on the couch and goes "so I heard you're pregnant?" I looked at her, and I could tell that she was going to be all nosy and invasive and ridiculous and awful with her questions. So of course I immediately got super duper annoyed. I took some breaths, then said out loud "oh wow, I have to blow my nose" and got up, and left. It was a victory!! I went into the bathroom, and my hubby followed and I said to him "do not allow that dumb girl to sit next to me anymore." And that was that!

I said bye to her when it was time to leave, but other than that, had no further conversation with her. Sorry stupid girl but I'm not getting into a dialogue with you about how I got pregnant, my age, how hard it was (or wasn't) or any of that. It's none of your damn business! That's what Google is for!

Anyways, I realize as this baby continues to grow inside of me, that I'm growing too. And learning a ton from the people in life who have made me realize that boundaries are essential in all relationships. Especially with people who have only toxic/negative energy to give.

All this is to say: I've got to get back to the things that give me my center. The gym, walking a ton, meditation, and people who nourish me/keep me warm. I will be going back to meditation on Friday, and hopefully hit three classes this week!

Here's to tomorrow, when we are 17 weeks and officially, officially, 4 months preggers (you have to complete the week in order for it to count!)