21 weeks

Man on man! So much has happened! Let's start with the good stuff: our number 1 little guy turned 11 months and he took his first steps the day after!!! He's been trying out the walking stuff a ton now, and I know I might be biased, but he's been doing a great job! We are so thrilled and love watching out little guy explore and grow and develop in all these big and little ways.

We also: FINALLY CLOSED ON OUR HOME! We are officially homeowners now! And we got the home that we dreamed about: 5 bedrooms, two stories, a backroom storage/attic area, garage, long driveway, two bathrooms.  Both the outside and inside are beautiful. Being homeowners doesn't come without issue (par for the course) and right now we are dealing with: broken dryer, ants in the house, broken bathtub spout - but amid all of these minor headaches, we realize how blessed we truly are. We went from living in a small studio (two adults and a nearly-walking baby) into a 5-bedroom house. It's been a spectrum of feelings, but mostly all good.

Now...for the somewhat good/maybe bad news. We had our mid-point anatomy scan, and due to the virus, things have...I dunno...been weird when visiting any medical facility. First off, AM wasn't able to come, which was very hard (much harder than I expected actually) and I really didn't like the bedside manner of the ultrasound tech...and he was a man, so I didn't feel comfortable either. Anyways! It was a thrill to see our new little guy moving and all of his organs and his heart beating and his head...and he really looks like his older brother to me!

After the long ass ultrasound, I went and spoke to a doctor and mostly, all of it was good except: the baby is on the smaller side (weighing in at 12 ounces at the moment) and there are these "soft markers"/fluid-filled cysts in the baby's brain that *could* be a sign of a chromosomal abnormality. However, since all of my blood tests came out fine (and those are a more accurate measure) the doctor isn't worried and often times these things remedy themselves...so that means I'll be having another ultrasound in a month. When making the appointment I specifically asked for a female. I really don't want that guy again. I will come back if I need to. I just really didn't like him. 

So that's us at 21 weeks! Overall, it's all good news. Oh...and gulp...I will be telling my bosses soon. Not sure how to go about that conversation. But it's one that needs to be had!

Onward to week 22!

14 weeks-plus

Hello! It's been a minute! Not that I don't have time to blog, I just...haven't. Yes, we are pregnant, but outside of that, we are living this new quarantine reality which has made everything...different. So yes, I have time, but I'm just trying to get through each day (well, minute and hour) as best I can, with sanity intact.

But I've got some news to share! We are having another little boy! I'm delighted! I always thought that *if* I was going to be a mom, it would be to two boys. Our first little guy is everything and more, and has brought me and AM together in a way I never thought would happen. In all honesty I thought having a baby was going to stress our marriage out. In the beginning since it was the first time for us, we definitely were anxious and took out our fears of making sure this baby stays alive (it is a very real, and I've heard, normal fear) on each other. But we have come to an amazing place together, with our little guy. 

Our first round of testing also came back positive: no chromosomal issues in the form of Down syndrome or other chromosomal issues. I also saw the baby on an ultrasound for the first time, and boy was he moving! I also *feel* like I can feel the baby move, but that usually is not a sensation that occurs until week 16 or so.

Since my typical routine has been thrown off, I am trying my best to retain the healthy habits I had while pregnant with our number 1: exercising, stretching, eating fruits and veggies. And now that my gym is offering virtual classes (yay!) I've been getting back into the swing of things. 

Anywho...our next big appointment will be the mid-point anatomy scan. I hope and pray it goes well! 

It's Happening Again...8 weeks (and counting)

So...we are preggers again! I just was reading some posts from my first go-around, and I definitely want to document what happens this time as well. So here goes...

As of today (Tuesday, February 18) we are 8 weeks and 5 days pregnant, and our other little guy (our first baby) is 8 months, 8 days old. He has been incredible, and being his mother is one of my biggest joys in my life (which I'm sort of surprised by, to be honest!)

This pregnancy has been...different. Two weeks ago, I started feeling super weird and nauseous and just overall icky feeling. And that has been a come-and-go feeling every few days (related to the pregnancy hormone - HCG - levels increasing a bunch). I did not have this feeling at all when I was pregnant the first go-around, and I feel sort of jerky for being like "omg this is how pregnant women feel!" because I really didn't have these types of symptoms.

Anywho...we've told just a few people: TC (my sis), SN (my dear dear friend), my parents, hubby's family, and hubby has told a few friends. This time around, it happened quite quickly. I told myself I wanted to officially start trying when our little guy turned 6 months old, and that's precisely when I got pregnant!

There is a lot to get done before our due date of Sept. 24: buy a house (!), figure out maternity leave with my job (they were pretty fantabulous and granted me 3 months of paid maternity leave as a consultant but I'm not banking on that this time around), and continue to have our first little guy grow and get healthy and do all that he's meant to do.

I'm thrilled and feel extremely blessed that we are growing our family in this way. I have a feeling this little one is going to be a girl (although I would love to have two boys, at the end of the day I just want a healthy, happy little nugget).

Onward to week 9!

Loneliness

I've heard that becoming a mother can be a lonesome thing, but I thought since I'm an introvert who enjoys solitude, it wouldn't feel that way for me. Wrong. Perhaps it's harder, because my instinct is to nest and stay to myself, but it's not helpful for me as I continue to deal with postpartum depression/anxiety.

Speaking of...so our little guy is now 4 months old, and things with him have been going super well. He's gaining weight, exclusively consuming breast milk, and no major illnesses or issues. But my postpartum anxiety is rearing its ugly head and after getting my period again for the first time since pregnancy and childbirth the yucky feelings from immediately after postpartum resurfaced. The anger, frustration, anxiety, stress, inability to just deal...I'm on a pretty low dosage of anti-anxiety medication, and the psychiatrist had told me I most likely would have to increase in the future, though I was reluctant to do so (there is still so much stigma related to psychiatric care) but after feeling those old simmering impulses come back, it's worth it for me to feel my regular/balanced self. So I upped my meds!

It's not come without issue, though. Hubby is concerned about the affect of it on my body, and breastfeeding (I'm on the medication I'm on because the doctor said there has been tons of research of the medication's effects on pregnancy and breast milk) and because we would like to try for another baby soon. Anyways!

I knew friendships were going to change after giving birth, but it's still a hard thing. I'm grieving my old life and wanting to remain relevant with friends and it's all so fraught with a mixture of happiness and joy (because I'm a mother and I wasn't sure I would ever be experiencing this!) and sadness, and anxiety, and....lots of FOMO. I missed four weddings this past summer, and one of my friends who invited me to her wedding (which I missed) is sorta/kinda mad at me for being MIA. But I don't have time for such pettiness! This new mothering thing is the hardest thing I've ever done, and if someone can't understand that I am not at my phone's beck and call anymore, then they weren't a friend to begin with.

I'm focused on getting outside with the baby more, taking him on walks for both his well being and mine. I hope I start to feel better again, and more myself, and not so stuck in my head and crazy. It's a scary thing, what this mixture of postpartum hormones and life can do to a person. 

What No One Tells You - Addendum to Part 2

In a post where I go through questions about ab separation, stretch marks and post pregnancy incontinence, I said I'd post an update post partum.

So...I got a pretty minor case of diastisis recti (the ab separation I was so fearful of.) My chiropractor has me forgoing all the fun ab exercises at the gym (planks, sit ups) for some focused work on my pelvic floor. Anyways!

In terms of stretch marks, I never got any from pregnancy (I've got my share from puberty thankyouverymuch!) and I'm pretty sure it had to do with this amazing product that I slathered all over the belly, twice daily, from the time I found out I was preggers.

And one more thing: I got tons of fear-based feedback during my pregnancy (from my parents, hubby and misinformed acquaintances) about the fact that I was lifting heavy weights and exercising intensely during my pregnancy. Now that everyone has met our little dude and seen how active (he started rolling over and back at 3 months!) he is, they are all touting the wonders of exercising while pregnant. Here's to listening to your body and tuning out the naysayers, even if they are coming from a place of concern and care. If there is one thing I've learned about motherhood it's this: it fine tunes your ability to listen to yourself and to your instinct.

Lastly, incontinence. Well, I did have my pee muscles refuse to work shortly after I gave birth (two hours of pushing will do that) and now they are a wee bit (still not fully) back to normal. But I'm working on it!

Three Months...And Counting

I went back to DC! And I'm back to work! And hubby and I bought a car! So much has happened! But most importantly: our little guy turned 3 months old!

It's been an amazing ride, this whole motherhood thing, so much so, that those first two weeks of black hole intensity after he was born, I've kinda sorta forgotten about. And it's strange and enchanting and intriguing how loving this little thing, every day and in every way, can do that to someone.

Going back to DC/home wasn't as difficult as I braced itself to be. In fact, hubby and I have come up with a pretty solid routine in terms of sleep/work and taking care of our little Olan. And I'm so grateful for all of it! We've become a cozy little family and I'm so grateful for everything hubby and I have created between ourselves. We also....wait for it....bought a car! I haven't owned a car in almost 8 years and it feels amazing to have that bit of agency and not have to rely on Uber/rideshare or public transportation when taking Olan around (we did it for the first few months, and it was stressful!)

A few other observations: if you based my life on my social media accounts, you'd have no clue that my life has shifted into another orbit. Nothing about me being pregnant, no pics of our little dude, none of it. Both hubby and I feel strongly that we don't want to post pics of Olan on social media, but lately, for some odd reason, I'd like to. I want to share our bliss with others, would like others to know what it feels like to be a new mother, but honestly, the people who should know, do know. And the rest are acquaintances/not really friends, just on the periphery. So then I realize it's more important for me to protect that bliss and keep it close to myself, and my heart, and share it with those directly in my orbit...

Other thoughts: I've also been grappling with the fact that the past year I've scrubbed many people out of my life: the once-considered best girl friend (I freakin' officiated her wedding), the sister-friend who was one of my closest confidantes, and others who have been on the outskirts, but were once close enough to affect my energy (read: negatively). Letting go of that energy, as Oprah calls it an "energy clearing" has been instrumental in me becoming a mother. Especially an older mother, because if any one of those energy suckers had stayed in my life, it would have affected my pregnancy and my postpartum in a detrimental way (this I'm sure of). So for the same reason I will not be posting pics of our dude on social media, I will continue to keep a wide berth when it comes to energy vampires and the lingering effects of toxic people.

Becoming a mother has been immensely rewarding, cliche but true, and I never imagined the love I could feel for our little dude, and for hubby, too. We've grown closer together as parents, mostly as we marvel at this perfect little being we both created through our love for one another. I grow more and more in love with him each and every day I see him becoming more of an amazing father to our little Olan. I'm grateful that we were blessed enough to have such an amazing pregnancy (no morning sickness, no complications, full term baby, vaginal birth) and now, an awesome baby who continues to grow and amaze us.

So I'll end this post with what I'm grateful for: my anti-anxiety medication, my hubby, my parents, my sister TC and my three crazy monster nieces, my job (the flexibility, the pay, the hours) and our new car, cos it's safe, it's reliable, and it will take our little dude from point A to point B.

Life is great! 

Almost Two Months

Our little boy is named Olan and I'm utterly smitten by him and it indeed feels staggering (as a friend of mine had described over her own baby, who she gave birth to a few weeks before me). Anyways, here is an update regarding motherhood, Olan (my amazing almost 2-month old baby) and my mental health.

I have maternity leave for three months, and boy am I blessed and happy for it. I've been spending most of the post-partum period in NJ, where my parents and sister have been helping me take care of my little guy. This support has been instrumental in me coming back to center, to myself, and for the fear to dissipate. That, and (not going to lie) my mental health medication. I've been on 25 mgs of Zoloft for more than a month now, and it's not only taken the edge off my anxiety and fear, I feel I'm a better person to those who are closest to me - which means the most to me.

I know the medication is doing its job, because today my sister TC and her kids left (after spending most of the summer together, I was dreading this day) and while I'm sad, I'm not losing it or wallowing in the sadness. I'm able to feel the grief (and yes it sucks) but it doesn't feel as all-consuming or overwhelming like it did the week after I gave birth and the hormones made me feel like doom and gloom was descending and never going to leave...

I have less than two weeks remaining here at home before I return to DC and back to hubby and our life together with our baby. I'm hella nervous, but I also know that getting the help I needed right after I gave birth will enable me to go back home and be home in a balanced and sustainable way. I'm excited for my friends to meet the little guy, to get back to the gym and the meditation center and to reconnect with the city that I have called home for over a decade.